Thursday, February 26, 2009 by Soul Mates 95
My husband and I are definitely doing better. I am pretty much over the shock though sometimes it will hit me again out of nowhere. I am not as angry as I was, though sometimes I will have a thought that does enrage me. What I hate now is the constant thoughts of her. The other woman. I think about my husband with her literally all day long. I think of how he could do it. I think of how our problems were not that bad yet. I mean they got worse during and after the affair then slowly got better after he began to feel the regret,and remorse over what he did. I knew he changed. I saw him go through a major depression but I couldn't figure out why. By that time I was shutting him out. I held onto a lot of bitterness for how he had treated me during that time. He had changed, become more distant. He didn't care any more about things that I did. Now, we are closer than we have ever been. We are addressing the issues that need to be addressed and really having a relationship. He is a different man entirely and I have grown and become much stronger over the years. Still, I cannot ever stop thinking of them together. I think of how it happened, why he didn't think of me. What made him say yes? Why didn't he say "No, I am married." What flaws did I have that made him just throw caution to the wind? Is my life a waste? Did I put all this time and effort into a marriage where the one person whom I should trust with my life disrespects me in such a way? And what does this woman think of me? I know she had never seen what I looked like until she found me on myspace. Oh yes. She added ME to her myspace before I knew for sure what happened. I had accused her before, but she denied it, years went by then she added me and tried to add my husband!!! So she sees pictures of me and frankly I am not what you'd expect. I am thin, in shape and dress myself up. I am very girly and get hit on all the time. It's really not about my own insecurity. This girl was really tall, much bigger than me. I am so confused by what my husband wants sometimes. It eats me alive. I don't want to live my life feeling like I do not measure up. I don't want to think I am lacking something he secretly desires. I try to be everything to him. I am no prude. I love him and always have. I have my flaws. MANY of them. I am not perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes. Isn't that what marriage is though? Do we not love each other for better or for worse? I mean, what could I do to stop this? And I do not think it was anything special about this girl. I think frankly she was there and put the moves on him. She could have been anyone which really does NOT make me feel better. So...yes I could go on. My thoughts are not good. I am so very stressed and just want to live a peaceful, happy stress free life. I do not think it will ever be possible. This is my marriage. This is it. I love him so much and I so wish this is not something I ever had to deal with in life.