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Consuming Thoughts


My husband and I are definitely doing better. I am pretty much over the shock though sometimes it will hit me again out of nowhere. I am not as angry as I was, though sometimes I will have a thought that does enrage me. What I hate now is the constant thoughts of her. The other woman. I think about my husband with her literally all day long. I think of how he could do it. I think of how our problems were not that bad yet. I mean they got worse during and after the affair then slowly got better after he began to feel the regret,and remorse over what he did. I knew he changed. I saw him go through a major depression but I couldn't figure out why. By that time I was shutting him out. I held onto a lot of bitterness for how he had treated me during that time. He had changed, become more distant. He didn't care any more about things that I did. Now, we are closer than we have ever been. We are addressing the issues that need to be addressed and really having a relationship. He is a different man entirely and I have grown and become much stronger over the years. Still, I cannot ever stop thinking of them together. I think of how it happened, why he didn't think of me. What made him say yes? Why didn't he say "No, I am married." What flaws did I have that made him just throw caution to the wind? Is my life a waste? Did I put all this time and effort into a marriage where the one person whom I should trust with my life disrespects me in such a way? And what does this woman think of me? I know she had never seen what I looked like until she found me on myspace. Oh yes. She added ME to her myspace before I knew for sure what happened. I had accused her before, but she denied it, years went by then she added me and tried to add my husband!!! So she sees pictures of me and frankly I am not what you'd expect. I am thin, in shape and dress myself up. I am very girly and get hit on all the time. It's really not about my own insecurity. This girl was really tall, much bigger than me. I am so confused by what my husband wants sometimes. It eats me alive. I don't want to live my life feeling like I do not measure up. I don't want to think I am lacking something he secretly desires. I try to be everything to him. I am no prude. I love him and always have. I have my flaws. MANY of them. I am not perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes. Isn't that what marriage is though? Do we not love each other for better or for worse? I mean, what could I do to stop this? And I do not think it was anything special about this girl. I think frankly she was there and put the moves on him. She could have been anyone which really does NOT make me feel better. So...yes I could go on. My thoughts are not good. I am so very stressed and just want to live a peaceful, happy stress free life. I do not think it will ever be possible. This is my marriage. This is it. I love him so much and I so wish this is not something I ever had to deal with in life.

Poems For Husbands


I didn't write them...but the words affected me. For you my dear.


Maybe I didn’t tell you,

How much I really care.

Maybe I thought you knew,

Because of what we share.

The pounding of my heart,

When I get a glimpse of you.

I’ve felt it from the start,

I know you feel it too.

I see the sparkle in your eyes,

Each time you look at me.

Then I quickly realize,

It’s you that makes me happy.

Our Love

You hold my heart right in your hand.

Every thought I have you understand.

When I’m happy, so are you.

If I’m blue, you are too.

You’re my one, my only, you’re my everything.

I’ve known no one more loving.

I’m thankful that you chose to love me.

Together we’ve found our destiny.

Our bond together can never break,

Even if we make a mistake.

Our love offers each other forgiveness.

It’s filled with understanding and tenderness.

Your love guides and encourages me,

When the path’s not clear enough to see.

I reach for my dream and you reach higher.

I’ll never find support any greater.

I love you every minute of everyday.

My life will always be that way.

So hold me close don’t let me go.

You’re the only love I’ll ever know!

And my personal favorite. This one....well, I always told him he was my knight in shining armor. I didn't have the best childhood. It wasn't as bad as some but it was definitely up there...and my life got better when I found him.

Knight In Shining Armor

You are my knight in shining armor,

You’re the one I’ll adore forever.

You rode into my life and rescued me.

Now my dreams you’ve made me see.

Years have passed you’re still my hero.

My love is yours with each tomorrow.

It’s you I dream about at night,

And you that makes everything all right.

I know why God chose you for me.

He knew we could make it through eternity.

Your kiss today still brings a thrill,

And I know somehow that it always will.

You just have to look at me and then,

I fall in love with you all over again.

The riches we share aren’t silver or gold,

Just each other’s hands to hold.

I wouldn’t give up the love we’ve known

To be rich and be all-alone.

For money can never buy you love

I am done being mushy for the night. Well on my blog anyway! I got the poems from here:

There are some really good ones there. It's great if you are looking for the right words to say to your special someone.


Marriage Quote for the Day:

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.

Barbara De Angelis
American Expert on Relationship & Love, Author


Well it's Monday. I spent a wonderful weekend with my hubby. We did some shopping with the kids. I stopped by the salon and got some great stuff for my hair. I get excited about the littlest things. I am longing for spring. The temps are just too cold for me right now. With March just around the corner I am getting so anxious. I have seen snow in April many times but I'm hoping this year is not one of them.

Hubby and I are doing well I think. I think all marriages come with their issues. I don't think you can blindly go through life thinking your relationship will be perfect with no bumps along the way. Most will not be affected by something so serious as infidelity but there are things that can occur in a marriage that you need to work on. Arguing is normal. Perhaps we just need to remind ourselves even in the biggest argument that it is NOT the end of the world. It does not mean divorce. You get through it and once the fight is over you might just be closer than you were before. I have learned that life is full of struggles but each time you overcome one, you get a little bit stronger. My life has been full of struggle. There really is no doubt but I am starting to wonder if perhaps things might not get a little bit easier now. I sure hope so.

Quotes to Live By


Upon watching the movie Fireproof with my husband again I noticed a lot of good inspirational phrases that really do apply in a marriage. They bring tears to my eyes and I thought I would share these.

Fireproof quotes:

"When most people promise 'for better or for worse,' they only mean for the better."

“You can’t just follow your heart. Your heart can be deceived. You have to lead your heart.”

"I have learned that you never leave your partner—especially in a fire."

"A woman's like a rose. If you treat her right, she'll bloom. If you don't, she'll wilt."

And my personal favorite:

"Fireproof doesn't mean that a fire will never come, but that when it comes, you'll be able to withstand it."

What a Movie!


The wife hit the nail on the head. Fireproof is an incredible movie. Yes it has a religious background to it. I need that in my life so I was really able to appreciate that essence of the movie. With that set aside, it is a great movie no matter what your religious preference. A lot of men would probably think that it is a chick flick. I think that any man would love this movie if they go into it with an open mind. If someone is dealing with an issue like we are, then this is the PERFECT movie. If someone is thinking of doing the terrible thing I have done, please watch this movie before you go through with it. I wish with all of my heart I had. I honestly believe that things might have been different.

This is the second movie made by this group. The first one was called "Facing the Giants". It is another incredible football movie. Once again it also has a religious background. It is an excellent movie with football, friendship and faith all rolled up into one. I highly recommend watching both of these movies. You will not be disappointed.

I feel that watching movies like this help me get through our current situation. I see me sitting there wishing I had done what the characters in the movie did instead of making the choices I did. Nonetheless, I need the true love in these movies. Mixed along with action, sports and laughter it makes a good guy movie. I wish I could be the husband to my wife that the man is in Facing the Giants. I love her so much. At least we have these movies to cuddle up to on the couch and enjoy. The best part of the night!

Fireproof Your Marriage


I know the movie Fireproof has a Christian sort of theme. I think this movie can apply to ANYONE having marriage difficulty. Not just Christians. I don't want to offend anyone who believes or does not believe. I just think the whole message it sends is very important. It says basically to give up things that you are loving more than your spouse. Anything that you put BEFORE your spouse is wrong. You should love, honor and cherish them as you vowed on your wedding day. If my husband wants to spend time with me, and I tell him I'd rather hang out with my friends, fine....that would hurt but ok. But what if I did that every time? What if I was always online, chatting it up and never spending time with him? Or what if he was always going out with his friends and not spending time with me? That life leads to divorce. I am telling you, you lose your relationship. It slowly fades away and you start to forget that it was ever there. I think you can take the message from Fireproof as a Christian or not, or even another faith and apply it to your marriage. I loved it. It made me cry...a lot. I love my husband and I do know I was not perfect. I made a whole lot of mistakes and allowed myself to drift away from my husband. I never stopped loving him for one day. Not for one second. I am so ready to spend forever with him.

Oh How I Long For Spring!


My husband talked in his last post about looking forward to warmer weather. He's not kidding. I am so ready for spring I cannot stand it. I love getting out on the motorcycle. I love the wind in my hair. I love just not being able to hear anything (it's a Harley). I can smell spring. I mean it's so close in my mind that I can totally smell it. I want to do so much with my hubby this year. We always loved traveling. I hope to do some this year. We need some good time alone without the children. It's hard, but we do make an effort to do it often. I think date night (nights) is so important to a relationship. I love nothing more than feeling his hand slip into words needed. I love holding him. We have been just sitting at our laptops today. I get a little sad when I see us just doing our own thing. I know we won't always be wrapped in each others arms, but honestly I would not be complaining if we were. I think my answer will be to go grab him when I get done with this post, plant a big one on his lips and lay with him while we watch a movie. Yes...that sounds good to me.

Getting Warmer


I can't wait for Spring. Everyday that goes by is one day closer to warm weather. My wife and I have been talking a lot about things we want to do when the weather gets nice. Nothing extravagant, just things that we find fun. We plan on taking the family to the zoo, riding our bicycles and swimming. Maybe even some camping and fishing. We also love to take off on our motorcycle and spend the day riding. It is really a release for me and I know my wife loves it too. I actually thought about selling the bike this year, and the wife said no way. I always knew she loved to ride with me, but I never really new how much. That is one big thing that is just us. Just me, her, the bike and the open road. We love pulling off to some remote place to just take a rest. Maybe find some small family restaurant somewhere to grab a snack or a drink. It really is a wonderful time and I am really looking forward to it.

We have been doing really well lately. I know she still constantly thinks about it, but I think she is able to focus on other things. We still talk about it and are still going to counseling. Counseling is still the hardest for me. To look someone in the face and admit what I have done is tough. Listening to my wife talk about it is even harder. I hate knowing that I have hurt her more than anyone else in this world could ever hurt her. I love her so much and wish that all of this was just a bad dream. Oh well, I need to stand up and face my faults. I still can't wait for spring. To have my girl on my arm or my bike are the best moments of my life.

This Time He is Right


I don't really mean that as bad as it sounds. He is right about a lot. I just mean specifically how he felt last night. I get so frustrated and very scared that if he doesn't want to do one thing with me it means he is getting tired of doing things with me altogether. I take it as a sign that it's the beginning of the end. I guess I am still pretty scared inside. I am not afraid we'll divorce or anything like that. I am more afraid of separating on a mental level then anything. We drifted apart and started kind of not being interested in things *together* at one point in our lives and I don't want that to happen again. I do understand though really. Guys don't generally like shopping the way women do. It's not about the shopping for me though. I just like being with him. I want him there. I hate being apart. That's not so bad is it? I know we can't always be together and I'll deal with it. For now though, I am not quite ready.

Typical Life


You know, things are never easy. My wife and I have really been getting along well recently. Until today that is.... We were not even talking about our big problem. She wanted to go shopping when I got off work and I did not. Before I knew it, she said I had changed, and that I didn't want to do anything with her anymore. Where did this come from? I was tired and dirty. I felt like she was mad at me for it. Nothing I could say to her after that made a difference. I feel like if I do not do everything she asks that she takes it personal. If I don't want to do something then I don't like going places with her. If I get mad because I think she is being unreasonable, then World War III starts. I guess I don't deserve anything better. It just makes it hard to live a somewhat normal life when I feel like I have to walk on eggshells.

Now don't get me wrong. We have a very good relationship. I just hate it when she thinks I have changed. That I don't want to do things with her anymore. That our extreme closeness was short lived. I love her more than anything. I want to spend all of my time with her. I just didn't want to go shopping right after work. So, here is the lesson for today. Remember that after such an extreme betrayal, even the good times are hard. The fear of losing the strong relationship we have built is very strong in my wife. I have vowed not to argue with her. I explained myself and she listened and understood. But it did not make her feel any better.

I wish I could make her see how much I love being with her. I thought I had been showing her everyday. I guess we are just not to the point where she is confident that our relationship is stronger than before. Regardless, I will continue to love on her as much as possible. If she gets mad at me then so be it. She can be mad all she wants, but I can not stop loving her. One day she will realize how strong my regret is, and how I constantly long to be with her. I love her with all of my heart!

Adsense Ads Sometimes...Not What You Want


Yes this is a bit off topic, but seriously it bothers the hubby and I to a great degree some of the ads that come through. Most are okay because they talk about trusting again after an affair or making it through such a horrible situation. The occasional ad has come through though, actually advertising for affairs. I have seen a few that ask if you are looking and you supposedly click their ad to find it. I wish I had more control over that because I obviously do not want that on my page. I think the google bots just scan the site for key words though. So, what can I do?

On a different note my husband and I have been very close the past few days. Well we are always close these days. Our relationship has changed so much and for the better. I finally have the relationship I have always dreamed of having. I have the man I always knew I wanted but finally the loving relationship and not just being content. It took us both and a bit of love, romance and appreciation to get there. See, you can't take your spouse for granted. You can't take them for granted ever. If you've been together 1 year or 20 years you need to always show them that you appreciate them and love them. Walk up to them and out of the blue grab their face and kiss them full on. I love that by the way. Just love it and I try to do it too. There is so much more passion than there used to be. My problem was always me being 100% mommy and not giving enough to my husband. My personal feeling is I didn't have a lot of desire because there was zero romance. I am so happy to have that back now. I have it now more than I ever have. I hate saying it too because we did absolutely have a wonderful relationship before. I have always loved him and we were always so close. We drifted apart the moment our first child was born. My life became taking care of kids. His was working, working and more working. If you see yourself in this rut? My suggestion is to change it NOW...before it's too late.

Good Morning


Well it's still fairly early Monday morning. I am not much of a morning person but I really have no choice in the matter. I have children so I have to get up. My hubby is always gone when I get up because of work. It's nice in some ways though because he will usually send me a loving text before I leave the house. I love the way we text each other sweet messages all day. I e-mail him too and since he uses a Blackberry it's pretty much the same thing. I cannot wait for him to get home though. I do miss him when he's gone. Still you can't be together 24/7. I don't really think it's good for you to be. I do however believe right now we should spend a lot of time together. I prefer cuddling up with him on the couch watching a movie to just about anything we could do.

Nice Start to the Weekend


Things seem much better lately. Well things have been honestly great between the hubby and I. That hasn't really been the issue. I love him and I know without a doubt in my mind that he loves me. He is just not the typical guy you expect something like this from. He is not the guy that says "oh baby baby I'm get over it." No...that is not him at all. Regardless of what things have happened between us I know this man. I think sometimes better than he knows himself. You ask yourself, then how did this happen without you knowing? Well I always knew. They honestly are not lying when they say if you feel strongly like something is going on, it probably is. I lived in strong denial but I still knew.

That said I do believe it is possible to move on and be stronger after your marriage takes a blow like this. I think we are closer and even more in love than ever. Many things have transpired between us since he got off the road. Our relationship has grown and we are much more attentive to each other than ever. I think we became content. He may have been lonely or feeling older and unattractive, or whatever but I guarantee I felt those same things. I just didn't look at finding another man as an answer to those problems. I looked to him for the assurance I need. I have changed too. I am more confident, strong and sure of myself than ever. I have become a very strong woman in the past few years. Many things have forced me to be but I know I am capable of doing whatever I need to do in my life to survive. I can and I do. I really feel like the power is mine now. I don't look to anyone else to make my life what I want it to be. It's up to me and only me.

I firmly believe my husband and I will be together forever. I know I'll never leave him unless he messed up again and I can say with zero doubt that I know he will not. The pain this has caused is so NOT worth it. Any man or woman out there who may be unhappy in their marriage who is considering something like this or if you see yourself kind of going in that direction....STOP. It's not worth it. Ask yourself a few questions. Do you want your marriage to eventually fail? If you do this, it takes that power away from you because chances are if you proceed it will fail. What if your marriage starts to get better? Then you have this secret, this terrible lie in your past. I have to say as well there is a good chance you'll get caught. It seems the *other woman* or the *other man* like to tell. Eventually they can't take it anymore and tell someone or even the one cheated on and it gets back to them. Adultery feels like death. I can say as the person it happened to it felt like someone died. I mourned and grieved as though someone did. It felt no different. Do not stoop so low. If you want out of your marriage DO IT FIRST. Do not cheat. It hurts worse. If even one person is thinking about this, and reads this and changes their mind....then I have done what I sought out to do. I'd like to save even one person this pain. And if you are the one who decided not to do it, I'd like to give you a big hug! It's hard to avoid temptation. I know it. I realize it. Especially when you aren't getting out of your current relationship what you want. Do not be a stereotype because in the end that's all you'll be. Another cheater. That's it. Another statistic. Don't do it.

Now that my sermon has ended, (HA!) I am going to go drop some Entrecards and enjoy this weekend with my husband.

Last Night Was Wonderful

Yes, and that is totally what I mean. It was over a month before my husband and I were able to make love again after I found out. I had obviously done it a whole lot of times after it had happened. Even right after it happened because I did not know. It was one thing I felt very betrayed by. I have a choice as to whether or not I want to touch him after something like this. I should have been allowed that choice. He says he felt the guilt and remorse immediately and was very ashamed. He had to block it out to be with me and honestly I do understand that because it is what I must do now. I try to just think about us and the moment and not other things. It's not always easy to do, but one thing I will not allow is her into my bedroom. My time with my husband is special and wonderful and needs to stay that way for us to get better. Milestones were made last night and though I can't help but compare myself I don't have much doubt about my ability. I do try to please and know I am good at what I do. Conceited? haha No...just confident and I think you need to be. It helps me not to feel like I am not good enough. I can't allow myself to feel that way. Sex is very important in a healthy marriage. Otherwise you just become roommates, right? Well I do not need a roommate. I have never had complaints about my sex life. I am very satisfied and I feel so close and in love with my husband during those times. I wonder what tonight might bring?

The Wife was Right


Well, she was right. I was getting on to write tonight. I can see that I have been falling behind because the last few posts were from her. My life has been really busy right now. As you can see from my wife's posts, my job has been occupying a lot of my time and thoughts. Anyone who has ever had to fire someone can see my point. I would rather have to fire people than to lay them off. At least when you fire someone it is normally because they did something wrong. When you have layoffs, you take good people and take their income from them. People who have always done what you ask and maybe you have even become friends with. I hate the economy.

I am fortunate that my wife understands how hard this has been on me. She really is great support to help keep my spirits up. I know I don't deserve her. We have been progressing pretty slow recently. Sometimes it feels like we are moving backwards. I hate answering her questions because with every word I am hurting her. I want nothing more than for her pain to go away. I love her so much and I can't stand knowing that she is hurting inside because of me. I guess I should have thought about that before I did anything wrong.

I wonder if she will ever get past this. If I thought she would be tortured for life by staying with me, I would let her go. It would kill me, but I can't be selfish. I pray to God everyday to help us get through this. I want our relationship to be perfect or at least to continue without flawed thoughts. I would ask people to pray for us. We can use all the help we can get. I pray that it is in God's grace to help my wife forgive me.



Hello to all and sorry about the absence from the blog. Things have been busy but I am back here and ready to get to it. In the business world a lot of layoffs have been happening. It's really stinks but luckily we haven't had to worry about that. At least we hope we never have to. There is always that chance so we don't let ourselves take anything for granted. Unfortunately though it is my husband's job to lay others off. He has to do the dirty work. He does not like it but it's his job. He hates destroying someone's hopes. I see what a terrible day he has at work and then of course our issues on top of it causes a whole lot of stress. We both say it should be the best time in our relationship and it really would be if we didn't have this *thing* hanging over our heads. I have to be able to move past this and the thoughts and honestly much of the time I feel like I never will be able to. I honestly would love to hear from anyone who has come out of a relationship that succeeded after an affair. I need to hear from the person who did it...and the guilt and remorse maybe they felt or the reasons they did it. I need to know that this does not mean the end. It does not mean he didn't love me. It just means he was an idiot. That's what I must hope. I hear it....but I mean the only one I have to put my faith in is the one who destroyed my faith to begin with. It's hard...but I love him and believe he has changed. So instead of rushing off to divorce I work at having that relationship we were always supposed to have. It's very frustrating because I do not think of us this way. We were always better than this. Or so I thought. We have another counseling session tomorrow. I think hubby may post tonight too, so stay tuned.

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