Happily Ever After

Sometimes Up's Outnumber the Down's

2009-05-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

~H~

The last few weeks have been pretty difficult outside the home. With the economy the way it is, it is difficult to see the struggles people are going through. I have lots of friends and family that are laid off and having a hard time making it. I am fortunate to be working, but unfortunately am involved with watching co-workers lose their jobs. This is the topic of just about every discussion at work.

The biggest thing that gets me through the day is knowing that I am coming home to my wife. She is so supporting and never lets me get down. When I need a shoulder to lean on, she is always there. I try to do the same for her. She shows me how strong she is everyday in her words and actions. I owe her my sanity. When I am with her I can relax and all the problems of the world seem to not be so important. She keeps me Up when I am feeling Down!

Do Some Commenters NOT Read the WHOLE Blog?

2009-05-06T21:25:00.000-07:00

~W~

I appreciate all comments...truly I do. BUT if you do not know the whole story how can you truly offer advice? Someone just commented that this blog was just to publicly humiliate my husband. I beg to differ. We are anonymous. No one knows who we are. I have dealt with all of this alone. No one in my life, not my sister, mother, best friend NO one knows what I am going through but ME and my husband. I chose NOT to publicly humiliate him. I love him and though he messed up have no desire to have people label him. He was always a good man and I wish for everyone that is in our lives to continue to always see him for who he is. I know if I told anyone they would forever see his mistake. This is my outlet. These are MY feelings put down. He responds how he chooses to.

Some days it's very difficult for me to get past the hurt. We were not having problems before he traveled. I must repeatedly stress this. We were good. Maybe not perfect but what couple in this world is? There are two very confusing emotions I deal with on a daily basis. My love for him and my feeling of betrayal. He begged me on his knees to stay with him and I did. Because I love him...but it's not easy. This blog was a mutual thing for the two of us. We chose to use this as an outlet for our feelings. He writes what he feels. There is no wrong in that. I am very glad that he is sorry for what he did and when I read it, I feel his pain. So in answer to *anonymous* commenter YES. This blog has been very helpful. Next question?

Isn't She Wonderful!

2009-05-04T20:16:00.000-07:00

~H~

I think my title says it all. What an incredible woman my wife is. I can see from some of the comments that we have gotten, that some people out there reading this post have been hurt like this themselves. I want to tell them I am sorry. I am sorry they had to be hurt the way I have hurt my wife. I am sorry they had to be betrayed the way I betrayed my wife. I hope you were able to move on with whatever decision you made at that time in your relationship.

I do not consider myself better than anyone else. All I do know is that I messed up. I threw away my life and my wife's along with it. Please believe me when I say that the regret is huge and something that will never go away no matter how long I live. I will spend the rest of eternity trying to get my wife to forgive me. I do not feel that I deserve to be nor do I expect to be, but that will not stop me from trying. I was selfish and thought about only myself.

On behalf of anyone who has ever betrayed their spouse, I want to apologize to that spouse. We are a selfish, thoughtless, and uncaring person. I only hope that you got the apology that you deserved no matter what the outcome was.

I give all my love to my wife. She is so special and strong. She has moments of complete distrust and hatred towards me which I deserve 10 fold. Even when she is so mad at me that she can't even look at me, I still love her more than life. I want her to be mad at me. I am mad at myself. I only wish that she didn't hurt so much. Her thoughts are the enemy that can not be defeated. I will stand by her as strong as I can be. I will support her in any way I can. I will love her with all of my heart. To my wife...I am Sorry!

Long Time, So Difficult

2009-05-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

~W~

I haven't posted anything in awhile and honestly my entrecard dropping slacked off a bit too. I've been just a little nervous lately about the responses I get on this blog. I am needing encouragement these days. I know what went wrong in my marriage. I know what happened and I know how horrible it was. I know my faults, I know my husband's faults. I am aware of it. We have addressed it over and over again. We have went round and round. I feel we are different than many couples are on this situation. We are on the SAME page now. He was an idiot. He lost his damn mind the moment he was alone for a significant period of time. Does it make me mad??? YES. Hell yes it does. Do I question life? Do I question my marriage? YES. I love this man more than anything. I have been through so much with him. I have been through children, miscarriage, illness. I have been with him almost half of my life. So yes, I have been through all the possibilities. I have questioned the future, the past. I have went through so much in my mind that I am sure there is no room left in my brain. There is only one thing I do know for sure in all of this...and that is I do know my husband loves me...and I also believe he will not mess up again. How can I be sure? Well none of us really can be for sure in reality can we? But I feel I am as close to sure as anyone can be. I know he doesn't want to do this again. We have stopped taking each other for granted and we are trying to move forward with our life. There are no more chances after this one, so we are both going to make sure we get it right.

Taken for Granted

2009-04-27T21:01:00.000-07:00

~H~

I know I haven't written in quite a while. Things have just gotten really busy in my life. I always told myself that I will never get to busy to write. Some of it is busy and the other is just laziness. Nonetheless, I still think about things and my wife a lot.

My Wife really is a wonderful woman. She is always there when I need her. No matter what problems come my way, she is always the one who can make me feel better. I never want to take her for granted. I know I do and probably always will. I always assume that she will comfort me and make me feel better. She takes care of my needs, wants and desires. Is it wrong to take those things for granted?

I feel that taking the other person for granted in a relationship is sometime OK. To know that your spouse is going to take care of the kids or the house or the bills in not a bad thing. It is when you stop realizing what you take for granted. I almost lost the love of my life. All of the things I have taken for granted in my life came flashing before my eyes. Now I am sure that I still take many things for granted, I just try to make sure I tell her thank you. I tell her how much I appreciate everything she does. I still know that things mysteriously get done. The truth is that I solved the mystery. I have grown to recognize all that I have. All that she does for me and our family.

Life is full of give and take. I have spent a majority of my life trying to be the giver and not seeing how much I take. The truth is that I need to be giving my all to the one I love and it automatically comes back around 10 full. My wife is my hero. She is strong and intelligent in every way. No matter how much I unintentionally take her for granted, I will always remember to show her how much she means to me.

A Good Easter and More Replies to Comments

2009-04-13T14:41:00.001-07:00

~W~

We had a good Easter with some family. I enjoyed myself and so did my family. I wish the hubby had more time off. I really wish we could get away together as I think it would do us some good but with the kids it's practically impossible. We can get away for a night maybe but that's about it.

Anyway I wanted to again address a couple of comments we got recently. There was a comment made about why this whole thing happened and if my husband didn't figure out why that it would happen again. We agree with needing to know why (not that it will happen again) but also really feel we know why. Number one, he was one the road. Being lonely, and suddenly living with NO family for 5 weeks straight made him do a very stupid thing. Lonely is a poor excuse but I think all the time he was on the road, making friends at this job and then going out and drinking which is what they always did made him just feel like a bachelor. I personally think he started feeling single and felt free.

I am very hurt by this because while he felt that way I was home alone with our children. He was out being free and I was being more of a parent than ever because I was now on my own. He didn't allow me to go out. He seriously put his foot down and I found we fought about this a lot. I think now it was out of his own guilty conscience that he didn't want me to go out. He knew if he could do this, so could I. It's so selfish to think this way but I feel those who cheat often do. They want both. They want their cake and they want to eat it too. You just cannot have it both ways. It's not fair to anyone involved.

We are seeing a marriage counselor and we have discussed all the whys and what fors. I think plain and simple he was an idiot. He destroyed me with these actions and I am dealing with it every single day. I love him and I want this to work. I want our family to work. I will put everything into keep us working. Our relationship really is better than ever and we do realize the faults we both had in our marriage.

I must state strictly that I do not feel it is EVER justifiable to cheat. No matter what is wrong in your relationship. Fix it or get out. Adultery is like murder. It killed me and it kills anyone who has this happen to them. You don't ever have a right to break your marriage vows. For better or for worse! If you feel neglected, or if you feel things are not going right then work it out! Go to a marriage counselor, discuss it with your partner, let them know your thoughts and how serious you are but it is a total cop out to just go and find someone new without letting anyone else in on that bit of information. I was replaced and had no clue. I was replaced and never had a say in the matter. I guarantee you, I wouldn't have shared and I'd rather he have left me for my mistakes.

Though my biggest faults were being an obsessive mother and possibly neglecting him in the process. I could come back and say I was neglected too. He didn't like all the time I wanted to be with the kids and I didn't like all the time he wanted to go out. I got left home a lot. He felt I didn't want to go out with him, I felt he didn't want to stay home with us. You see the pattern? I do and so does he. We have compromised. I am not an obsessive mother anymore. I have relaxed and we do most things together now. Things are so much better now that we are open and aware of the issues we had. I regret not having this with him before. I regret not putting my foot down and making him see how I felt and I know he does too. I think we have equal responsibility in the where our relationship went wrong, but I will never blame myself for his decision to cheat. That is just like I said, inexcusable. There are much better ways to deal with things.

A Friday Off

2009-04-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

~W~

I love a Holiday when the whole family can be home together, just kind of doing their own thing but still together. My kids are off of school obviously and my hubby doesn't have to work. He is playing video games at the moment. He gets the chance and takes it and I don't mind at all as long as I get my time later. We all need to do our own thing sometimes. Still it is important to get some time together. It's pretty easy to eventually just get into a sort of monotonous routine and barely say hello in passing even in the same house. That can have very negative effects on a relationship in the long run. Trust me, I know. We really did sort of just get into a routine and I think to a certain degree took each other for granted. My hubby and I of course. Whether you are in a fairly new relationship or one that has lasted for years you have to make time for each other and not out of obligation either. Enjoy each other. Allow yourself to be flirty, lovey and act like it's all new. Make sure your spouse or significant other KNOWS what they mean to you. Don't assume anything. I can't wait for some good quality time with my husband tonight. It's always best once all the kids are tucked safely in their beds and I can lie down with his arms wrapped around me. It's my favorite time of day.

Blog Award!

2009-04-05T13:04:00.000-07:00

I got a blog award recently from April at The Life of an Everyday BBW. I was awarded the Sisterhood Award. As the wife on the blog I'll accept it!

Please be sure to go over and check out her blog.

This award asks me to pass it on to ten other bloggers. I am not really sure if I know of ten blogs off the top of my head so I'd just like to give this award to all my faithful readers. Take it, post it...enjoy it! I love my commenters. I love those who read what I write and give such thoughtful advice. All the women out there who understand, who can give me advice one way or the other are very much like sisters so please accept this award from me! I would go through and find 10 other worthy blogs but I have a little one underfoot and honestly I don't think I could get it done, and I want to get this posted now. So thank you again for the wonderful award. It's so very much appreciated.

Stress and Relationships

2009-04-02T10:21:00.000-07:00

~W~

I am by no means a relationship expert. I just know what I have been through. I am the type who is very affected by what happens around me. If something bothers me I find it very difficult to concentrate on other things. I worry and I know it's not good for me. This whole situation has done a real doozy on me. I am trying to make it through this and be strong. I am having issues dealing with the stress of it. I mean, what is acceptable here? If I start to think about things it inevitably spirals out of control. Then by the end of the day I am a sulking, stressed out, and grouchy wife/mother. I am honestly more concerned with how it's all affecting me. My face is breaking out from all the stress as well. So I am forcing myself to caaaaaaaaalm down. Yes. Calm. I need to chill out. I have made this decision and I have to tell myself it's only for ME. It's not for the husband or anyone else but I need to do myself this favor. I need to quit stressing so much. I need to quit thinking the worst. I need to take some of the what ifs and the worst case scenarios in my head and get rid of them for now. It's not doing me any good. The fact of the matter is I have chosen to stay with my husband. I love him and though trust is a long way off yet, I have still placed a good amount of trust in him just by staying here. I do know however our relationship can never move forward unless I can stop worrying myself crazy.

I think it's crazy how much relationships and love can drive a person mad. I mean, watch a soap opera or A&E...Lifetime or Tru TV. How many of these things are on love and affairs? I can't browse through any channels on tv without this being the main theme. Either someone is doing it or being killed because of it. It's insane. I just want to watch something like I Love Lucy...or Little House on the Prairie! haha NO STRESS!

Today.com and Some Blogs I Love!

2009-04-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

~W~

I don't want to lose all the Today.com blogs I have visited and enjoyed. I have seen this done out there and think it's a great idea. I want to get the links of all the blogs who are leaving entrecard, but just anyone else who might want to exchange links. I'll add you to the blogroll here. Leave your link and please add me to your blogroll as well!

Notice About Entrecard Widget

2009-03-31T09:18:00.000-07:00

I recently received a comment saying the Entrecard Widget was covered by an ad. In my Firefox browser I could always see the widget so I never thought there was a problem. I changed the ad location and type and moved it so I am hoping this resolves any issues anyone has with dropping their entrecard on this blog. If there are any further problems please leave us a comment and let us know! Thank you to the commenter who brought this to my attention.

My Thoughts on Things

2009-03-31T06:14:00.000-07:00

~W~

In answer to a previous comment, no I am not upset that my husband discusses this on a blog. It was mostly my idea for us to use this outlet to help our situation. You see, if I believe in anything it is 100% honesty and just putting yourself out there to have outside opinion and thoughts on a situation. Obviously we have to do this anonymously but since we can't exactly go to family and friends and say "is he right?" "what do we do here?" We use this as a place to communicate with each other. We don't just communicate here obviously but it is a safe place. Sometimes it's easier to say things in the written word than out loud. Where I might take something the wrong way that he says out loud I don't so much when he is typing it out. I also felt it was sort of a way for him to confess it to the world without really having to do so.

We see a counselor but really I do this alone. My husband was always a great man. He was the guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He is a hard worker and has held down two jobs to make ends meet for his family. So you can imagine all of my family and his thinks he is the perfect husband. And he always really was for the most part. He was a dedicated family man. Sometimes it aggravates me because I have no one to talk to. I can talk to him but obviously it's not enough. It's nice to have an outside ear on occasion.

As for not calling the other woman "the witch", well you have to understand it's a symbol only. We do not like to call her by her first name as the sound of it is like a knife stabbing me in the heart. I liked hearing my husband talk of her in a way that wasn't kind. I could care less if he hates her or he doesn't hate her. It's not relevant. The time that he was with her was the one time frame in his life that he lost his damn mind. I have no trouble referring to her this way for many reasons. It could be the fact that I confronted her in 2006 and she ignored me for a month. I finally confronted her again and she denied it all, even calling herself a good person who wouldn't do that because she knows how it feels. I asked her to not contact my husband ever again. I never got a reply but after that there was no contact. I have access to all phone numbers and e-mails so I know this to be true.

Then for some reason this past year I was contacted by her myself. She sent me a friends request on a popular social network. Now...please tell me why she would do this? I have asked her to stay away. I do not know her. I have never met her. I wondered what her motive was so I approved it, waiting for her to say something. She didn't. She just sent my husband a friends request the next day. I realized he doesn't have his name listed on this site so for her to find him she HAD to add me. I was private. I was her only route to him. And she used me to get to him. Four years after he told her he couldn't do it because he needed to work on his relationship she did this. She was getting married. I think she must have wanted him to know she was marrying the guy she had been engaged to while she was having her thing with my husband. Yes...she was engaged. She was living with her fiance. And she did this. So I have no sympathy for her. I have no problem at all hating this woman. I think one day maybe the hate will fade and I'll no longer care. That day has not yet arrived. There is more this woman did. My husband ignored her friends requests. He didn't add her knowing what my suspicions had been all these years. I think he was terrified I would find out because yes he had lied all these years. Then some even more terrible things happened but ultimately I found out in a very very bad way. I can't even begin to explain the distasteful way I was told. I can't go into it here or others might catch on to who I am. So....I leave it at that. I was shown hatred. I was shown no respect as a mother, a wife. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. I have been with this man for 15 years and have known him since I was around 14 years of age. I love him. He did a dumb thing that almost destroyed everything we have worked so hard for all our lives. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't know why he would do it or why she might ever be worth it. I don't know. I really rack my brain trying to figure it out and there are just no answers. I will forgive, forget and move on someday. I am not there yet. You see...I found out a few months ago...but it's not just the affair. It's the years of lying. It's the promising me that nothing had happened. It's the letting me contact her and humiliate myself when he could have just confessed. It's so much more. There is so much more to forgive and to let go of. I do however believe it will happen. I believe that one day we will put this behind us and my husband will begin living that life of the perfect husband or at least trying anyway...since none of us will ever really be perfect. This place is healing for us. This blog is healing for us. We are your normal average family with kids, lots of love and your major issues. Not one family member or friend has a clue what's going on with us. I regularly hear from others how great my husband is and how lucky I am. Well, it's true. I am lucky. I love this man and I love everything about him but this one stupid part of his life. I always did. I always will.

Reply to commenter's!

2009-03-30T18:04:00.000-07:00

~H~

I got some really interesting comments from my last post. I do appreciate your comments so please keep them coming. On the other side, I believe that I should explain myself due to the fact that some things were obviously taken out of context.

Ms. Very Stupid - Of course I hate the other woman. Am I supposed to not? I am not blaming her for what happened, you are correct. It is my fault and mine alone! I have taken full blame for everything that has happened from the beginning. OK, what I did was wrong. My issue with her is that after I broke it off with her, she would not let it go. She did terrible things to intentionally hurt my wife years after everything was over. I know there is probably a lot that we have not gone in to detail on. To be honest I really don't feel like going in to a lot of detail on it either. All I will say is this. I made a mistake and tried to repair my relationship. She tried to keep that from happening, and that I blame her for. My wife knows what the "other woman" looks like. So the fact that I say she is not attractive is no surprise to her. I was just making general comments about how I feel. I guarantee anyone else in my position would feel the same way. I will say again, in no way did I mean to come across as blaming her. What happened is my fault.

Laane - Me referring to the "other woman" as the witch is just in place of using her name. I do not like referring to her by name because my Wife can't stand the sight or sound of it. When we talk about it, we always refer to her as something besides her name because we don't want to speak it. I chose "the Witch" just for something to call her. I believe some of what I wrote above should help you understand why I have hatred towards her. I do appreciate the comment about respecting myself. This is something that I do have a problem with. I never thought of myself as someone with a lack of self respect. Maybe I didn't have before everything happened. I guarantee I do now. You said that there are ways to deal with this situation. I would love to hear suggestions. My Wife and I are really trying. I believe that we are doing good, but anything that could help us more would be welcome.

I want to thank both commenter's for what they said. My Wife was afraid that I would be upset. On the contrary, I look for help. I am trying to be a better person for my wife, family and myself. I would never get mad at a comment. I do feel that some of what I said was taken the wrong way. Maybe I didn't state things well enough in my earlier post. Either way, I apologize if I came off as blaming someone else for what I did. I hope you have read some of my earlier posts. I feel that I have always taken the blame on myself. I want to thank both of the individuals who left comments for supporting us in our journey to beat the odds. To show that if a person is truly repentant, that they can make it past this. That they can repair what they have broken, and someday, maybe even be forgiven.

Hard Knock Life

2009-03-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

~H~

Whether it refers to the movie Annie or the new Jay Z song, it is still relevant. Life is never easy. Everyday that goes by while I watch my Wife dealing with this is terrible. They say that life is what you make it. In this case, my Wife's life is what I have made of it. I have taken everything she loved about being alive and crushed it under my foot. I have destroyed her in a way that no other person on the planet could have. This time in our life should be some of the best. Instead, because of me, it is one of the worst times in our lives. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help. I love her so much but there is nothing I can say or do that will take her pain away. A pain that I have caused her. I feel like I could write a book on how terrible this is.

I tell myself on a regular basis that maybe she would be better off without me. That the only reason she didn't leave me is because I begged her to stay. Was that just another selfish act on my part? Am I wrong for wanting her to give me a second chance? Does someone in my position deserve a second chance? I would do anything to make it so that she doesn't hurt over this anymore. I guess I should have thought about that sooner.

One of the things that haunts my wife is the feelings that I had for the other woman. No matter what I say, it will not help the way she feels because she knows that there must have been some sort of feelings for her at the time. I wish I could explain my feelings to myself yet alone my Wife.

I hate the woman I had the affair with. I will refer to her as the "Witch" from here on out. I hate her with every ounce of my being. I was weak and allowed myself to be manipulated by her. The strange thing I guess is that she is so much unlike my wife. My wife is a beautiful, exciting woman with a great body. The Witch is over 6' tall and well over 200lbs. She had an OK personality but was not attractive in the face. I have never been the one to go after larger girls. My wife is rather small and that is how I like them. If anything, this just confirmed to me how much I prefer smaller girls. I did what I did with her and I could not take it back. The relationship continued for a few weeks because I was to much of a coward to call it off. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I didn't consider the fact that I was killing my wife at the same time. Why Why Why!!!! I am so angry at myself. I had no feelings for the Witch. It began as sort of a minor friendship that turned into something terrible. Why did I care so much about hurting her feelings that I was willing to throw my entire life away.

I love my wife. She is so incredibly beautiful. I will watch her when she isn't paying attention and just admire her so much. She is so strong. The past few days have been really hard on her. She has all these questions that have no answers. I want to take away her pain. I can guarantee that there is no person in the world that loves their wife more than I love mine. She is everything I could ever want or desire. When she is happy, she gets this twinkle in her eye and the most beautiful smile. She can melt my heart with a slight glance. I miss her even though she is still here. I just want our closeness back. I want to be able to live our lives the way we should, without this hanging over our heads haunting us. I will just continue to show her how much I love her. She is my life and soul!

Getting Time Together

2009-03-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

~W~

Sometimes it is difficult to find that special quality time together. We do have our own things to do but I think it is very important to set aside time for your spouse. You may not feel like it's a big deal if you are on the computer and he is watching his favorite TV show as long as you are both at home but it is a big deal and you are setting yourself up for disaster. You cannot just coexist with your spouse or partner. You really do have to make time for each other. You need to keep the romance alive. Remember why you love this person in the first place and do not let "life" get in the way. The past couple of nights I didn't get too much time with the hubby. It's not really any one's fault. He was very tired after work last night and fell asleep on the couch. I just let him because I know he's had a hard day but then when I go to sleep I feel totally ripped off. I need close time with my husband. Honestly it helps keep bad thoughts away too. Sometimes it is the only thing that helps. Make time for each other. Never forget why and how you fell in love. Too often people forget that and it IS important. If you can remember what was the attraction to begin with you may not be so willing to just throw it all away.

No Relationship is Perfect

2009-03-20T21:05:00.000-07:00

~W~

What is perfect anyway right? I think if we try to make ourselves believe that we need to be perfect that we'll always fall short. I know without a doubt my husband and I will still argue. We did a bit last night. It was nothing major. I said something about the situation and he sounded a bit defensive which let me tell you just turns on an instant switch in my brain that says "How dare he?" Well I come down off that pedestal after awhile and realize it's only human nature to feel defensive. We defend our own actions especially if they are bad. He knows what he did was wrong, for whatever reason it was done. Dwelling on the why of it has just plagued me but I do try to give myself time to just not think about it. I do it for me and no one else. I cannot possibly live thinking of it all day long. It tortures me. It took me awhile to let myself believe it was ok to not think of it for awhile. It's really difficult. I believe we do have a very good relationship. He quickly apologized for being defensive and I admit I was still kind of steamed. I love him more than life though. I know he is very confused by it all as well.

I don't think it's healthy to say you have the perfect relationship because that's when you stop getting better. You have achieved all there is. Well I know for a fact I have so much more to get from my relationship and to give. I have always imagined growing old with this man. I'll love every single wrinkle, as long as I am with him.

Watching Him Sleep

2009-03-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

~W~

The hubby has been working hard lately. He has had so much going on at work, especially now with all the economic troubles there are. It's really hit him hard and he is so tired and stressed out. I hate that the stress we are going through is only adding to it. He got home tonight and we ate. He then sat on the couch with his laptop. I sat on the couch opposite him. I looked over and there he was, dozing off at his laptop. It's just simple times like this when you see the person you love just sitting there unaware that you are watching them that the love inside of you swells. I do love him so much. I see him tired after a long day of work and I am proud of him for all he has done. I do believe that one wrong deed should not erase a lifetime of good deeds. It feels as though this one thing has done just that. He has always been a good man and this situation has taught him a lesson I think. Now all the little ways he may have ever fallen short he has now made up for. He has seen his faults and helped me to see mine. I really see us getting so much better.

And to think I get all this from watching him sleep.

Our First Blog Award

2009-03-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

I hadn't had a chance to post this yet, but was so incredibly happy when I got it. This is such an honor honestly to get this. My husband and I are writing from our heart here, so when it gets noticed, it means a lot. The award comes from Soulful Scribbles. This is the Heart and Soul Award created for extraordinary bloggers who have bared their hearts and souls to give inspiration to others. This means SO much to us. I want to thank Soulful Scribbles for considering our blog for this.

I am supposed to pass this one on to three other blogs, but at this particular time I haven't been around long enough to pick out three blogs that are inspiring to me. So if you do know of another blog that is inspiring to you, please feel free to pass it on. Here are the rules:

If you receive this award, please spread the love!

- Create a post about it, and make sure to include the logo.
- Nominate three blogs that have touched or inspired you, and made an impact in your life.
- Add a link to your nominees’ blogs in your post and inform them about the award.
- Go to http://heartandsoulaward.wordpress.com and leave the URLs of the 3 blogs you have nominated.

I Had to Keep it There

2009-03-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

~W~

I loved my husband's last post so much I decided to just let it stay at the top for a few days. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my husband is in love with me and more thankful I think for me than he ever has been. I have always known many things about my husband. First and foremost he is a hard worker and he does what it takes to provide for his family. He learned that from his dad I think. It's a quality I have always admired and loved about my husband. He is respectful and kind to pretty much everyone. He is the guy who holds open the door and pulls out your chair. He just is and always has been. He is not the player type of guy that I think many imagine when they think of a situation like we have been through. It's just not him. It never was. I think that was actually in some ways what hurt him because he wasn't used to having someone pretty much throw their self on him.

I have been with him a very long time and when you have been with a person for so long I think you start to wonder if you still have it. You can't help but wonder if others would want to date you or if you are still sexy, attractive and desirable. He has always been to me. I tell him all the time how handsome I think he is and I mean it. I look at his face and see love and just my entire life..right there in his eyes. I see myself growing old with him. I see us being the perfect couple from this day forward. Our relationship was so strong and good before he went on the road. Yes we had our issues as any other couple on the planet does, but even those issues are resolved now. I think we really are stronger than before. I am upset that this thing happened but I am glad we are where we are. Each day just makes us that much stronger I think.

The Love of My Life!

2009-03-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

~H~

I thought it was a good time to just say something to my wife. To start off, I am sorry. I know that I have said it before, but I can never say it enough. The love I feel for you makes me even more sorry every day. You have been a good wife to me and an all around good woman. You are an excellent mother and definitely do not deserve any of this pain I have put you through. Some people say that there must have been something missing in my life in order to do what I have done. The answer to that is simple. The only thing missing was you. I left you to travel and you weren't there. We talked all of the time at first and then I became to busy for you. You continued to try and I pushed you away. So the fact that you were missing from my life is my own fault. It was my decision to travel and I am the one who pushed you away. In the end, you were the one who was punished for it. Once again, I am sorry.

I love you! I always have with all of my heart. We talk about how you think that I couldn't have loved you back then. The truth is that I always did love you. I might have tried to tell myself that I didn't, but that is not true. I have always loved you and felt love from you. We have had our arguments, disagreements and plain out fights. None of which have ever made me love you less. Even in the worst of times, my love for you has always been there.

No matter what anyone says, the facts remain the same. I love you honey and I am sorry for ever hurting you. You deserve the best life has to offer and I thank you for allowing me to spend my life with you. I have taken you for granted in the past, but I swear it will never happen again. I know this blog was for us to talk about our situation. I just wanted to use this to say how much I appreciate you. Sometimes the written word can be stronger than the spoken word. You are my girl. One day this blog will end. It will be ironic to see it end " and they lived Happily Ever After."

Needs Being Met

2009-03-09T07:16:00.000-07:00

~W~

Some comments stand out to me and one I received today happens to be one of those. It said something along the lines of if my husbands needs were all being met this would not have happened. I understand that in a relationship if it goes south normally it involves both parties. What you must understand about our relationship is (and if you read back far enough in our blog you'll see) that our relationship was pretty good before he started traveling for work. He became married to his job. He left for several weeks at a time, we never saw each other. I tried and tried to call him and he frequently was too busy for me. I felt neglected and unimportant. I just wanted him home but I could feel him pulling away from me. Our talks on the phone turned into arguing about money or stupid things. I felt constantly defensive because of how I handled things at home. I stayed home with my three children while he traveled. I always tried my best to meet my husbands needs.

Truth be told my needs were not being met. I was lonely. I had no one. I didn't go anywhere or do anything besides stare at the walls and take care of kids. I love my husband dearly but at that time in his life he saw things very one sided. He went out with friends, joined a baseball team, had drinks at bars because he was alone on the road. I couldn't go out because I had to take care of the kids. Literally he did not allow me to go out. He told me no. If I argued it turned into a huge fight..and he still did what he wanted and I still stayed home. I needed my time out but didn't get it. I needed love and affection but did not get it. I wanted my husband more than anything but did not get it. So whose needs were being met?

I am not nor have I ever been perfect. I have a large list of faults as we all do. My biggest fault would be at times in our marriage putting more care into our children then what he got. I tend to fuss over the kids and I know he needs some fussing too. I have addressed the things I did wrong. I have questioned my faults.

It all comes down to one thing in the end. When does our faults ever justify cheating? Is it okay for him to stray when things get a little tough at home? What happened to for better or for worse? I could have cheated too and tried to justify it because I was so alone and neglected but that's just dumb. I made vows and I knew from the start it would be work. I knew it wouldn't be all sunshine and roses. I think it's selfish to think otherwise. I cannot worry every time we argue or he's not feeling happy that he'll cheat. That's not how a marriage works and if it was? Then I'd want no part of it. I would be more content alone rather than putting my heart up on a chopping block.

Comments

2009-03-08T12:45:00.000-07:00

~H~

I want to thank everyone for all of the comments we have received. Some are supportive and some are neutral. I feel fortunate that none of them have been really negative. I know how many people, especially female, probably have a huge hatred for me. I hope that men feel the same way. What I did was wrong! It is not better because I am a man. My Wife reads the comments and sometimes gets upset. It does give us a chance to sit down and talk about them. The thing is that they are not untrue. I would be willing to bet than in 90% of the cases of infidelity, the person has not truly changed. I know that without a doubt I will never betray my wife again. I can say this with absolutely no doubt in my mind. I have learned from my mistakes. I am a good person who did a terrible thing. I am repentant and I believe my wife can see that in me.

One of the reasons I really wanted us to start this blog was to help others. I want to speak to women out there. If your dealing with the same kinds of issues my Wife and I are then I hope this brings you some comfort. I love my wife with all of my heart. I have hurt her beyond belief. I have seen what it has done to her. I see it on a daily basis. But to look outside of that, I have seen what it has done to me. I have never been a big liar. The act that I did caused me to betray myself and everything I believe in. Our marriage is going to work because I have seen the fault in myself. I know that if I even have the urge to do anything bad, that all I need to do is sit down with my wife and talk to her about it. I am not perfect by any means. To think that I am different than any other man out there would be crazy. I feel that there are men and women out there that can come to a realization that they can not live without their spouse. I hope that realization comes before anything bad ever happens.

Don't feel like a fool for giving your spouse a second chance if you can truly see the remorse in them. It is possible for a person to make a mistake. That does not mean that you should just forgive them and move on. It takes hard work to rebuild that trust. For the person in my position, you need to be more attentive to your spouse than ever. You need to understand their fears and help assure them of the positives. Support them when everything is OK and when they are mad at you for what you have done. They have a right to be mad.

Please don't get me wrong, if they do it to you again, then get out. It is probably not a relationship worth saving. People can change. I have changed for the better. I have been able to go back to the person that I always felt I was. A loving, trusting, supportive, honest person. I am sorry that my wife had to go through this to get the person she has always deserved. That person is here now, and here to stay.

Marriage Counseling

2009-03-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

~W~

We have our next marriage counseling session tomorrow. I think I need it right now. I can't let anger outweigh my love for my husband. As long as he has been totally honest with me I know I can forgive him in time. I also know if there were any more lies it would be impossible. I think the hardest part is rebuilding trust. Without trust it is impossible to have a successful marriage. I cannot allow myself to be close to someone whom I cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouth. It will be hard to trust again. I am scared to trust and let go. It's still very fresh for me. I finally have the love and devotion I always dreamed of in a marriage and this thing hanging over our heads is trying to steal it from us. I don't want to let it happen. I know without a doubt I myself will always be faithful and honest with my husband. All I expect in return is that same respect. No more lies. No more creating stories to cover your tracks. Just the truth.

Just a Short Reply to the Anonymous Commenter

2009-03-03T21:04:00.000-08:00

~W~

I must make it clear that however much I'd love to put all the blame on her I do not, nor have I ever. I don't think I sounded like I did in my post. I do believe she hit on him. I have to at least trust SOME of what my husband says or I may as well give up today. I think he was foolish, stupid and weak and gave in when she showed him a little attention.

I think you should know I have always admired, respected, looked up to and shown my husband affection. I think all of us get those fluttery feelings when someone hits on us, or makes us feel desired. That much is normal but if we are married we say thanks but no thanks. That's the simple fact of the matter. You are flattered, but the answer is no. You are not free to do that. Simple. Or not? So many people don't say no and the pain is enormous to both parties.

I have confronted the other woman. She ignored me at first, replied denying it all the second time and then tried to come back into our lives after all of that when I kindly asked her to not contact him again due to the situation. I was never rude. I always treated her with respect. I even went so far as to directly tell her I didn't blame her because as far as she knew I didn't exist. I admit it was more of a tactic to get her to tell me the truth. That mattered much more to me than telling her off.

Do I have respect for a woman who would sleep with a married man who has children...a family...a life? No. I have no respect for someone who is willing to contribute to destroying a marriage. But I definitely do not blame just her. No, I blame them both. I blame him more because he made the vows and he should have said no. He didn't and I have to live with that each day. She continued to pursue him after he came home to me. I know this because I saw the messages and saw the friend's request she sent. He was trying to ignore her because I think he finally regretted it and became afraid of getting caught and losing it all. But she knew very well she was involved with a married man and for this she deserves absolutely no pity from me.

The Reason

2009-03-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

~H~

The truth is that there is no reason for what happened. My Wife has always treated me well. We had an earlier comment which I do appreciate. I would like to respond to it somewhat. It was about my Wife blaming her. My Wife hates her, not blame. I am the one who owed my wife something. I wish I could say that I was drugged and forced to do it. Unfortunately that is not the way real life happens. My Wife wishes that this woman had been a more decent person than to do what she did. She hates the very thought of her, the place she lives and her name. For the rest of our lives those things will haunt us. Still, It comes back around to me. I am the one who wronged her. I am the one who owed her the respect she did not receive. I am the one that betrayed her. Me alone broke the vows that I promised my Wife many years ago. There is nothing that my Wife could ever do that would deserve the punishment that I have bestowed on her.

I think to myself all day every day about what has happened. I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. I have lost the respect and trust of the one person I love more than anything in this world. She is an incredible wife, mother and woman! I wish I had an answer as to the reason this happened. I say that I was just weak. I say that it was because I was traveling for so long. I have even tried to convince myself that we did have marital issues. But, if I sit down and really think about it, I can't say any of those things. I honestly don't know the reason. I did it and I can not take it back. That is the fact. Everything else is just me grasping at straws to look for some sort of way that the person who did this terrible deed was not me. Well, It was and I am ashamed.

Time to change this up. My Wife and I have been doing good. She knows I love her more than anything. She just hates the thoughts of everything that has happened. I came home from work today and there she was. Taking care of the kids and cooking dinner. Not just any dinner either. She made a homemade dish that was just out of this world. We did some things that we needed to do, then got the kids off to bed. We then cuddled up and watched some TV together. I live for these moments and I can't believe that I almost threw them away. If you were to see my Wife and I on the street, you would never guess it was us going through this. We are a happy family living our lives day by day. We have really good times going out shopping or to the movies. When we get home and it is quiet, that is when the thoughts begin. That is when we talk and no matter what I say I can not make her feel better. I wish there was a miracle cure that could make this all easier on her. As for me, I deserve to live with this guilt.

We started this blog as a way to talk about what we are feeling. We also hope that we might be able to help someone out there in our position or thinking about doing the unthinkable. If we have anyone reading this blog that is thinking about having an affair, I am talking to you. It is never worth it. Even if you "Get Away with It", you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. You will be the silent killer to your wife. If your marriage is that bad, then just get divorced before doing anything stupid. Chance are you want to have your cake and eat it too. That is just not the way it works. DON'T DO IT!!!! I beg you! I would give my life to be able to say that when I was tested I passed. Instead I have to look in the mirror everyday at the failure I have become. I have to look at the pain I have caused a good woman who deserved better. Who deserved my respect, honesty and faithfulness. I am lucky. My wife allows me to be with her. She shows me love when I don't deserve it. If that is not lucky than nothing is. I vow to never betray her again. I only hope that someday we can put this behind us and just agree that I was a fool.

For now all I can say is that I will love her forever. She is my soul mate! I have no doubt that I will never mess up again. I count my blessings everyday. God has given me this woman that I have hurt so badly. He has also given her the strength and grace to try and forgive me. For that I am thankful. I love you honey!

Consuming Thoughts

2009-02-26T12:37:00.000-08:00

~W~

My husband and I are definitely doing better. I am pretty much over the shock though sometimes it will hit me again out of nowhere. I am not as angry as I was, though sometimes I will have a thought that does enrage me. What I hate now is the constant thoughts of her. The other woman. I think about my husband with her literally all day long. I think of how he could do it. I think of how our problems were not that bad yet. I mean they got worse during and after the affair then slowly got better after he began to feel the regret,and remorse over what he did. I knew he changed. I saw him go through a major depression but I couldn't figure out why. By that time I was shutting him out. I held onto a lot of bitterness for how he had treated me during that time. He had changed, become more distant. He didn't care any more about things that I did. Now, we are closer than we have ever been. We are addressing the issues that need to be addressed and really having a relationship. He is a different man entirely and I have grown and become much stronger over the years. Still, I cannot ever stop thinking of them together. I think of how it happened, why he didn't think of me. What made him say yes? Why didn't he say "No, I am married." What flaws did I have that made him just throw caution to the wind? Is my life a waste? Did I put all this time and effort into a marriage where the one person whom I should trust with my life disrespects me in such a way? And what does this woman think of me? I know she had never seen what I looked like until she found me on myspace. Oh yes. She added ME to her myspace before I knew for sure what happened. I had accused her before, but she denied it, years went by then she added me and tried to add my husband!!! So she sees pictures of me and frankly I am not what you'd expect. I am thin, in shape and dress myself up. I am very girly and get hit on all the time. It's really not about my own insecurity. This girl was really tall, much bigger than me. I am so confused by what my husband wants sometimes. It eats me alive. I don't want to live my life feeling like I do not measure up. I don't want to think I am lacking something he secretly desires. I try to be everything to him. I am no prude. I love him and always have. I have my flaws. MANY of them. I am not perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes. Isn't that what marriage is though? Do we not love each other for better or for worse? I mean, what could I do to stop this? And I do not think it was anything special about this girl. I think frankly she was there and put the moves on him. She could have been anyone which really does NOT make me feel better. So...yes I could go on. My thoughts are not good. I am so very stressed and just want to live a peaceful, happy stress free life. I do not think it will ever be possible. This is my marriage. This is it. I love him so much and I so wish this is not something I ever had to deal with in life.

Poems For Husbands

2009-02-24T21:40:00.000-08:00

~W~

I didn't write them...but the words affected me. For you my dear.

Maybe

Maybe I didn’t tell you,

How much I really care.

Maybe I thought you knew,

Because of what we share.

The pounding of my heart,

When I get a glimpse of you.

I’ve felt it from the start,

I know you feel it too.

I see the sparkle in your eyes,

Each time you look at me.

Then I quickly realize,

It’s you that makes me happy.

Our Love

You hold my heart right in your hand.

Every thought I have you understand.

When I’m happy, so are you.

If I’m blue, you are too.

You’re my one, my only, you’re my everything.

I’ve known no one more loving.

I’m thankful that you chose to love me.

Together we’ve found our destiny.

Our bond together can never break,

Even if we make a mistake.

Our love offers each other forgiveness.

It’s filled with understanding and tenderness.

Your love guides and encourages me,

When the path’s not clear enough to see.

I reach for my dream and you reach higher.

I’ll never find support any greater.

I love you every minute of everyday.

My life will always be that way.

So hold me close don’t let me go.

You’re the only love I’ll ever know!

And my personal favorite. This one....well, I always told him he was my knight in shining armor. I didn't have the best childhood. It wasn't as bad as some but it was definitely up there...and my life got better when I found him.

Knight In Shining Armor

You are my knight in shining armor,

You’re the one I’ll adore forever.

You rode into my life and rescued me.

Now my dreams you’ve made me see.

Years have passed you’re still my hero.

My love is yours with each tomorrow.

It’s you I dream about at night,

And you that makes everything all right.

I know why God chose you for me.

He knew we could make it through eternity.

Your kiss today still brings a thrill,

And I know somehow that it always will.

You just have to look at me and then,

I fall in love with you all over again.

The riches we share aren’t silver or gold,

Just each other’s hands to hold.

I wouldn’t give up the love we’ve known

To be rich and be all-alone.

For money can never buy you love

I am done being mushy for the night. Well on my blog anyway! I got the poems from here: http://www.angelofpoetry.com/id41.html

There are some really good ones there. It's great if you are looking for the right words to say to your special someone.

Monday

2009-02-23T09:51:00.001-08:00

Marriage Quote for the Day:

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.

Barbara De Angelis
American Expert on Relationship & Love, Author

~W~

Well it's Monday. I spent a wonderful weekend with my hubby. We did some shopping with the kids. I stopped by the salon and got some great stuff for my hair. I get excited about the littlest things. I am longing for spring. The temps are just too cold for me right now. With March just around the corner I am getting so anxious. I have seen snow in April many times but I'm hoping this year is not one of them.

Hubby and I are doing well I think. I think all marriages come with their issues. I don't think you can blindly go through life thinking your relationship will be perfect with no bumps along the way. Most will not be affected by something so serious as infidelity but there are things that can occur in a marriage that you need to work on. Arguing is normal. Perhaps we just need to remind ourselves even in the biggest argument that it is NOT the end of the world. It does not mean divorce. You get through it and once the fight is over you might just be closer than you were before. I have learned that life is full of struggles but each time you overcome one, you get a little bit stronger. My life has been full of struggle. There really is no doubt but I am starting to wonder if perhaps things might not get a little bit easier now. I sure hope so.

Quotes to Live By

2009-02-21T22:47:00.000-08:00

~W~

Upon watching the movie Fireproof with my husband again I noticed a lot of good inspirational phrases that really do apply in a marriage. They bring tears to my eyes and I thought I would share these.

Fireproof quotes:

"When most people promise 'for better or for worse,' they only mean for the better."

“You can’t just follow your heart. Your heart can be deceived. You have to lead your heart.”

"I have learned that you never leave your partner—especially in a fire."

"A woman's like a rose. If you treat her right, she'll bloom. If you don't, she'll wilt."

And my personal favorite:

"Fireproof doesn't mean that a fire will never come, but that when it comes, you'll be able to withstand it."

What a Movie!

2009-02-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

~H~

The wife hit the nail on the head. Fireproof is an incredible movie. Yes it has a religious background to it. I need that in my life so I was really able to appreciate that essence of the movie. With that set aside, it is a great movie no matter what your religious preference. A lot of men would probably think that it is a chick flick. I think that any man would love this movie if they go into it with an open mind. If someone is dealing with an issue like we are, then this is the PERFECT movie. If someone is thinking of doing the terrible thing I have done, please watch this movie before you go through with it. I wish with all of my heart I had. I honestly believe that things might have been different.

This is the second movie made by this group. The first one was called "Facing the Giants". It is another incredible football movie. Once again it also has a religious background. It is an excellent movie with football, friendship and faith all rolled up into one. I highly recommend watching both of these movies. You will not be disappointed.

I feel that watching movies like this help me get through our current situation. I see me sitting there wishing I had done what the characters in the movie did instead of making the choices I did. Nonetheless, I need the true love in these movies. Mixed along with action, sports and laughter it makes a good guy movie. I wish I could be the husband to my wife that the man is in Facing the Giants. I love her so much. At least we have these movies to cuddle up to on the couch and enjoy. The best part of the night!

Fireproof Your Marriage

2009-02-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

~W~

I know the movie Fireproof has a Christian sort of theme. I think this movie can apply to ANYONE having marriage difficulty. Not just Christians. I don't want to offend anyone who believes or does not believe. I just think the whole message it sends is very important. It says basically to give up things that you are loving more than your spouse. Anything that you put BEFORE your spouse is wrong. You should love, honor and cherish them as you vowed on your wedding day. If my husband wants to spend time with me, and I tell him I'd rather hang out with my friends, fine....that would hurt but ok. But what if I did that every time? What if I was always online, chatting it up and never spending time with him? Or what if he was always going out with his friends and not spending time with me? That life leads to divorce. I am telling you, you lose your relationship. It slowly fades away and you start to forget that it was ever there. I think you can take the message from Fireproof as a Christian or not, or even another faith and apply it to your marriage. I loved it. It made me cry...a lot. I love my husband and I do know I was not perfect. I made a whole lot of mistakes and allowed myself to drift away from my husband. I never stopped loving him for one day. Not for one second. I am so ready to spend forever with him.

Oh How I Long For Spring!

2009-02-18T18:51:00.000-08:00

~W~

My husband talked in his last post about looking forward to warmer weather. He's not kidding. I am so ready for spring I cannot stand it. I love getting out on the motorcycle. I love the wind in my hair. I love just not being able to hear anything (it's a Harley). I can smell spring. I mean it's so close in my mind that I can totally smell it. I want to do so much with my hubby this year. We always loved traveling. I hope to do some this year. We need some good time alone without the children. It's hard, but we do make an effort to do it often. I think date night (nights) is so important to a relationship. I love nothing more than feeling his hand slip into mine...no words needed. I love holding him. We have been just sitting at our laptops today. I get a little sad when I see us just doing our own thing. I know we won't always be wrapped in each others arms, but honestly I would not be complaining if we were. I think my answer will be to go grab him when I get done with this post, plant a big one on his lips and lay with him while we watch a movie. Yes...that sounds good to me.

Getting Warmer

2009-02-17T18:11:00.000-08:00

~H~

I can't wait for Spring. Everyday that goes by is one day closer to warm weather. My wife and I have been talking a lot about things we want to do when the weather gets nice. Nothing extravagant, just things that we find fun. We plan on taking the family to the zoo, riding our bicycles and swimming. Maybe even some camping and fishing. We also love to take off on our motorcycle and spend the day riding. It is really a release for me and I know my wife loves it too. I actually thought about selling the bike this year, and the wife said no way. I always knew she loved to ride with me, but I never really new how much. That is one big thing that is just us. Just me, her, the bike and the open road. We love pulling off to some remote place to just take a rest. Maybe find some small family restaurant somewhere to grab a snack or a drink. It really is a wonderful time and I am really looking forward to it.

We have been doing really well lately. I know she still constantly thinks about it, but I think she is able to focus on other things. We still talk about it and are still going to counseling. Counseling is still the hardest for me. To look someone in the face and admit what I have done is tough. Listening to my wife talk about it is even harder. I hate knowing that I have hurt her more than anyone else in this world could ever hurt her. I love her so much and wish that all of this was just a bad dream. Oh well, I need to stand up and face my faults. I still can't wait for spring. To have my girl on my arm or my bike are the best moments of my life.

This Time He is Right

2009-02-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

~W~

I don't really mean that as bad as it sounds. He is right about a lot. I just mean specifically how he felt last night. I get so frustrated and very scared that if he doesn't want to do one thing with me it means he is getting tired of doing things with me altogether. I take it as a sign that it's the beginning of the end. I guess I am still pretty scared inside. I am not afraid we'll divorce or anything like that. I am more afraid of separating on a mental level then anything. We drifted apart and started kind of not being interested in things *together* at one point in our lives and I don't want that to happen again. I do understand though really. Guys don't generally like shopping the way women do. It's not about the shopping for me though. I just like being with him. I want him there. I hate being apart. That's not so bad is it? I know we can't always be together and I'll deal with it. For now though, I am not quite ready.

Typical Life

2009-02-12T19:28:00.000-08:00

~H~

You know, things are never easy. My wife and I have really been getting along well recently. Until today that is.... We were not even talking about our big problem. She wanted to go shopping when I got off work and I did not. Before I knew it, she said I had changed, and that I didn't want to do anything with her anymore. Where did this come from? I was tired and dirty. I felt like she was mad at me for it. Nothing I could say to her after that made a difference. I feel like if I do not do everything she asks that she takes it personal. If I don't want to do something then I don't like going places with her. If I get mad because I think she is being unreasonable, then World War III starts. I guess I don't deserve anything better. It just makes it hard to live a somewhat normal life when I feel like I have to walk on eggshells.

Now don't get me wrong. We have a very good relationship. I just hate it when she thinks I have changed. That I don't want to do things with her anymore. That our extreme closeness was short lived. I love her more than anything. I want to spend all of my time with her. I just didn't want to go shopping right after work. So, here is the lesson for today. Remember that after such an extreme betrayal, even the good times are hard. The fear of losing the strong relationship we have built is very strong in my wife. I have vowed not to argue with her. I explained myself and she listened and understood. But it did not make her feel any better.

I wish I could make her see how much I love being with her. I thought I had been showing her everyday. I guess we are just not to the point where she is confident that our relationship is stronger than before. Regardless, I will continue to love on her as much as possible. If she gets mad at me then so be it. She can be mad all she wants, but I can not stop loving her. One day she will realize how strong my regret is, and how I constantly long to be with her. I love her with all of my heart!

Adsense Ads Sometimes...Not What You Want

2009-02-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

~W~

Yes this is a bit off topic, but seriously it bothers the hubby and I to a great degree some of the ads that come through. Most are okay because they talk about trusting again after an affair or making it through such a horrible situation. The occasional ad has come through though, actually advertising for affairs. I have seen a few that ask if you are looking and you supposedly click their ad to find it. I wish I had more control over that because I obviously do not want that on my page. I think the google bots just scan the site for key words though. So, what can I do?

On a different note my husband and I have been very close the past few days. Well we are always close these days. Our relationship has changed so much and for the better. I finally have the relationship I have always dreamed of having. I have the man I always knew I wanted but finally the loving relationship and not just being content. It took us both and a bit of love, romance and appreciation to get there. See, you can't take your spouse for granted. You can't take them for granted ever. If you've been together 1 year or 20 years you need to always show them that you appreciate them and love them. Walk up to them and out of the blue grab their face and kiss them full on. I love that by the way. Just love it and I try to do it too. There is so much more passion than there used to be. My problem was always me being 100% mommy and not giving enough to my husband. My personal feeling is I didn't have a lot of desire because there was zero romance. I am so happy to have that back now. I have it now more than I ever have. I hate saying it too because we did absolutely have a wonderful relationship before. I have always loved him and we were always so close. We drifted apart the moment our first child was born. My life became taking care of kids. His was working, working and more working. If you see yourself in this rut? My suggestion is to change it NOW...before it's too late.

Good Morning

2009-02-09T05:46:00.000-08:00

~W~

Well it's still fairly early Monday morning. I am not much of a morning person but I really have no choice in the matter. I have children so I have to get up. My hubby is always gone when I get up because of work. It's nice in some ways though because he will usually send me a loving text before I leave the house. I love the way we text each other sweet messages all day. I e-mail him too and since he uses a Blackberry it's pretty much the same thing. I cannot wait for him to get home though. I do miss him when he's gone. Still you can't be together 24/7. I don't really think it's good for you to be. I do however believe right now we should spend a lot of time together. I prefer cuddling up with him on the couch watching a movie to just about anything we could do.

Nice Start to the Weekend

2009-02-07T10:08:00.000-08:00

~W~

Things seem much better lately. Well things have been honestly great between the hubby and I. That hasn't really been the issue. I love him and I know without a doubt in my mind that he loves me. He is just not the typical guy you expect something like this from. He is not the guy that says "oh baby baby I'm sorry....now get over it." No...that is not him at all. Regardless of what things have happened between us I know this man. I think sometimes better than he knows himself. You ask yourself, then how did this happen without you knowing? Well I always knew. They honestly are not lying when they say if you feel strongly like something is going on, it probably is. I lived in strong denial but I still knew.

That said I do believe it is possible to move on and be stronger after your marriage takes a blow like this. I think we are closer and even more in love than ever. Many things have transpired between us since he got off the road. Our relationship has grown and we are much more attentive to each other than ever. I think we became content. He may have been lonely or feeling older and unattractive, or whatever but I guarantee I felt those same things. I just didn't look at finding another man as an answer to those problems. I looked to him for the assurance I need. I have changed too. I am more confident, strong and sure of myself than ever. I have become a very strong woman in the past few years. Many things have forced me to be but I know I am capable of doing whatever I need to do in my life to survive. I can and I do. I really feel like the power is mine now. I don't look to anyone else to make my life what I want it to be. It's up to me and only me.

I firmly believe my husband and I will be together forever. I know I'll never leave him unless he messed up again and I can say with zero doubt that I know he will not. The pain this has caused is so NOT worth it. Any man or woman out there who may be unhappy in their marriage who is considering something like this or if you see yourself kind of going in that direction....STOP. It's not worth it. Ask yourself a few questions. Do you want your marriage to eventually fail? If you do this, it takes that power away from you because chances are if you proceed it will fail. What if your marriage starts to get better? Then you have this secret, this terrible lie in your past. I have to say as well there is a good chance you'll get caught. It seems the *other woman* or the *other man* like to tell. Eventually they can't take it anymore and tell someone or even the one cheated on and it gets back to them. Adultery feels like death. I can say as the person it happened to it felt like someone died. I mourned and grieved as though someone did. It felt no different. Do not stoop so low. If you want out of your marriage DO IT FIRST. Do not cheat. It hurts worse. If even one person is thinking about this, and reads this and changes their mind....then I have done what I sought out to do. I'd like to save even one person this pain. And if you are the one who decided not to do it, I'd like to give you a big hug! It's hard to avoid temptation. I know it. I realize it. Especially when you aren't getting out of your current relationship what you want. Do not be a stereotype because in the end that's all you'll be. Another cheater. That's it. Another statistic. Don't do it.

Now that my sermon has ended, (HA!) I am going to go drop some Entrecards and enjoy this weekend with my husband.

Last Night Was Wonderful

2009-02-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

Yes, and that is totally what I mean. It was over a month before my husband and I were able to make love again after I found out. I had obviously done it a whole lot of times after it had happened. Even right after it happened because I did not know. It was one thing I felt very betrayed by. I have a choice as to whether or not I want to touch him after something like this. I should have been allowed that choice. He says he felt the guilt and remorse immediately and was very ashamed. He had to block it out to be with me and honestly I do understand that because it is what I must do now. I try to just think about us and the moment and not other things. It's not always easy to do, but one thing I will not allow is her into my bedroom. My time with my husband is special and wonderful and needs to stay that way for us to get better. Milestones were made last night and though I can't help but compare myself I don't have much doubt about my ability. I do try to please and know I am good at what I do. Conceited? haha No...just confident and I think you need to be. It helps me not to feel like I am not good enough. I can't allow myself to feel that way. Sex is very important in a healthy marriage. Otherwise you just become roommates, right? Well I do not need a roommate. I have never had complaints about my sex life. I am very satisfied and I feel so close and in love with my husband during those times. I wonder what tonight might bring?

The Wife was Right

2009-02-04T16:01:00.001-08:00

~H~

Well, she was right. I was getting on to write tonight. I can see that I have been falling behind because the last few posts were from her. My life has been really busy right now. As you can see from my wife's posts, my job has been occupying a lot of my time and thoughts. Anyone who has ever had to fire someone can see my point. I would rather have to fire people than to lay them off. At least when you fire someone it is normally because they did something wrong. When you have layoffs, you take good people and take their income from them. People who have always done what you ask and maybe you have even become friends with. I hate the economy.

I am fortunate that my wife understands how hard this has been on me. She really is great support to help keep my spirits up. I know I don't deserve her. We have been progressing pretty slow recently. Sometimes it feels like we are moving backwards. I hate answering her questions because with every word I am hurting her. I want nothing more than for her pain to go away. I love her so much and I can't stand knowing that she is hurting inside because of me. I guess I should have thought about that before I did anything wrong.

I wonder if she will ever get past this. If I thought she would be tortured for life by staying with me, I would let her go. It would kill me, but I can't be selfish. I pray to God everyday to help us get through this. I want our relationship to be perfect or at least to continue without flawed thoughts. I would ask people to pray for us. We can use all the help we can get. I pray that it is in God's grace to help my wife forgive me.

Absence

2009-02-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

~W~

Hello to all and sorry about the absence from the blog. Things have been busy but I am back here and ready to get to it. In the business world a lot of layoffs have been happening. It's really stinks but luckily we haven't had to worry about that. At least we hope we never have to. There is always that chance so we don't let ourselves take anything for granted. Unfortunately though it is my husband's job to lay others off. He has to do the dirty work. He does not like it but it's his job. He hates destroying someone's hopes. I see what a terrible day he has at work and then of course our issues on top of it causes a whole lot of stress. We both say it should be the best time in our relationship and it really would be if we didn't have this *thing* hanging over our heads. I have to be able to move past this and the thoughts and honestly much of the time I feel like I never will be able to. I honestly would love to hear from anyone who has come out of a relationship that succeeded after an affair. I need to hear from the person who did it...and the guilt and remorse maybe they felt or the reasons they did it. I need to know that this does not mean the end. It does not mean he didn't love me. It just means he was an idiot. That's what I must hope. I hear it....but I mean the only one I have to put my faith in is the one who destroyed my faith to begin with. It's hard...but I love him and believe he has changed. So instead of rushing off to divorce I work at having that relationship we were always supposed to have. It's very frustrating because I do not think of us this way. We were always better than this. Or so I thought. We have another counseling session tomorrow. I think hubby may post tonight too, so stay tuned.

The Shock has Worn Off

2009-01-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

~W~

Well I do believe I am past the shock phase finally. I still stop and think I can't believe something like this happened to us. We were always so perfect. I mean we had our problems and troubles, ups and downs like everyone. I try not to dwell on things. I have a choice here. I am making a choice to work on my marriage. I love my husband and I do believe he won't make this mistake again. If I doubted it for ONE second I would not give any second chances. So I am feeling a bit better today anyway. I haven't been as angry. I think I have felt more blank lately. Numb. No words. I am not sure what is worse! Anyway today seems like a potentially good day. I am going to shower up and have a cup of coffee!

Just a Short Note

2009-01-20T22:33:00.000-08:00

~W~

We haven't been talking about it as much the past few days. I sometimes feel like I should be because of course it goes back to "letting him off the hook." But whatever. He knows I don't. He knows and understands exactly how I feel. I am depriving myself of true happiness and joy by dwelling on things that will only always come up with the same awful answer. I can't change it. I can improve my marriage and love that man until the day I die and that is what I choose to do.

The Simple Things

2009-01-18T21:41:00.000-08:00

~W~

Tonight my husband and I decided to run to the store kinda late. Well, truth be told we only got back about a half an hour ago. It's 11:41 p.m. We get kinda crazy these days. It's more spontaneous like we used to be. Both of us always enjoyed just jumping up at the spur of the moment and doing just what we felt like doing. We also agree we just love the driving together. I love nothing more than getting into a car and holding his hand looking at the scenery pass by. I could drive from one end of the country to the next with him.

The past few days have definitely been better. I have been working at trying to not let myself dwell on things. I think awful thoughts...details and what not that put my mind in a place that will not allow me to heal. I am hurting myself I think just as much as my relationship. I mean will my thoughts change anything? Can it magically fix anything or make it go away? No. So I accept that I know what happened and spare MYSELF the details. NOT HIM. I guess I fear letting him off the hook or somehow making him think I accept it, or am somehow OK with what happened. I fear that because no matter how much times passes, or how many days or weeks go by without me mentioning it, I have never accepted or forgotten it. Forgiveness is different. I believe that whole heartily and I do think one day that will come. Anyway I think it would be wonderful if I could ever get comments from someone who has been there. You can comment anonymously on this blog. I understand the whole subject matter here is very sensitive but what I want people to see is an honest couple working through the most difficult thing a marriage can go through and doing just that...instead of resorting to divorce. Not that it hasn't crossed my mind because many times I have felt like giving up. Not because of a lack of love or needing to leave but because it is so difficult to get through this. I remember though why I am here in the first place. I am madly in love....and I want it to work. I believe it can...and it will.

Arm Candy

2009-01-18T09:46:00.000-08:00

~H~

My wife and I recently went to a Holiday Party for my work. These parties are always pretty formal, so it is a chance for the Wife and I to dress up. My Wife wore a beautiful evening gown that she looked absolutely stunning in. She has always known how to do it up right. This party is pretty large but I swear there wasn't a guy there that didn't notice her. Even the women went out of their way to tell her how beautiful she looked.

My wife and I have always joked around about things like this. I have always told her that I like going to places like this so that I can show off my arm candy. This party was no exception. We had a pretty good time. We had a few drinks, dinner and then some entertainment. It was a very nice evening.

I have always found my wife to be incredibly beautiful. I can't believe I almost threw it all away over someone who isn't even a tenth what she is. My Wife will ask me questions as to how could I want someone else. Wasn't she enough for me. The truth is that she has always been enough for me. I was weak and selfish and completely out of my mind. I do not know why I was able to do the things I have done. I think about them now and they disgust me. I am sorry that I am putting my wife through this pain and these kinds of thoughts. I can not believe that I almost lost my "Arm Candy".

Cheeseburgers

2009-01-14T15:16:00.000-08:00

~W~

Yeah. I said cheeseburgers. We're eating them for supper tonight. I love them and well, they are smelling up my kitchen. Things seem really for the most part normal until my husband and I are alone talking. Sometimes the way we look at each other. There are so many reminders out there on the Internet. Shoot I guess this site has become one of them. We want to put this out there though to show there is hope. I guess I am hoping beyond hope our marriage will be better and stronger forever. Not because of this but because we were made aware of the things we needed to improve. If it weren't for things that made me know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much he loves me and how shamed and remorseful he is, maybe I couldn't be here today. We always seemed so on the same page about divorce too. I felt people just rush into it too quickly. Believe me the thought has crossed my mind. It's just not what makes me happy. I want it to work. I believe this was a huge error in judgement. Temporary stupidity. Does it leave me less hurt? Betrayed? No. I feel these things 24 hours a day. I don't want to sound like I am making excuses either. There are none. There is not one good excuse to do this. I however do believe in trying. So I am trying.

Now, I am going to go have a delicious cheeseburger with my family. Then, I am picking out a movie and snuggling up on the couch with my husband. :)

Cuddle Time

2009-01-12T19:02:00.000-08:00

~W~

Everything is so serious on this blog but I need to point out things are not always like this. Really for the most part our relationship feels stronger than it ever has been. I go through a wide range of emotions from deep hurt, to anger, to fear. In the end though we are cuddling, hugging, kissing and just appreciating each other more than ever. I finally feel like I am an equal in this relationship if not more so. I love my husband and I have no doubt he loves me too. You would think in this situation I would doubt it. I may have at that time but not now. Right now, we are going to do our nightly ritual which is to cuddle up on the couch very close and watch a romantic movie. It's my favorite time of day!!!

Feels Like a Short Weekend

2009-01-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

~H~

Well this weekend definitely went to fast. It wasn't a terrible weekend, but it could have been better. My wife has been having a real tough time dealing with the past and future. She is afraid that I wasn't faithful before this. No matter what I tell her, she still has doubts about whether this was the first time or not. I tell her that it was the first and only time, and she wants to believe me, but it is hard for her. Unfortunately, I can not blame her for not trusting me. I brought it on myself. She is also worried that I will do it again in the future. I understand this fear too. Nothing I can say will comfort her. She can not trust anything I say because I have betrayed that trust before. This kills me because I know she is justified.

My wife has been reading about affairs on the Internet allot. This bothers me because I know that nothing she reads is going to make her feel better. Let's face it, who is going to talk good about an affair. I tell her that I think her reading this stuff is making it harder for us to get through it. She feels she has to search for answers. I just hope that it is not in the wrong spots. I know that we have a long way to go. I will be by her side through all of it. I only hope that it gets easier for her and that someday she will be able to forgive me and get through this. I know that we will never get over it. I just want to get through it so that all of our memories are positive and happy ones. My wife is the most special thing in my life and I owe her any support I can. I am sorry!

Hardest Part

2009-01-10T13:12:00.001-08:00

~W~

I think one of the hardest parts of this whole thing is how it makes me think back and wonder and doubt our relationship as a whole...or least huge chunks of it. My husband gets defensive and of course that makes me more angry. I love my husband and I really hate thinking about what things led up to the affair or the feelings of blaming myself or wondering what I did wrong, or how I didn't measure up.

Thinking I did nothing doesn't help either. Then I realize I could do nothing to stop it. There was nothing I could have done, no matter of perfection I could have achieved. It would have still happened. For it to be *just sex* also enrages me. I guess I feel that is something we as married people should just know is not an option. Not only that but shouldn't we resist even if we have that temptation? Why would we not? It's so confusing and hard to put into words. Once you cross this line there is no turning back. It's hard to fix and there is a lot of hurt, tears, depression and anger left in your wake. So before you cross that line you need to think twice and realize maybe what you have is worth honoring and respecting. Nothing is so bad that you need to cheat. If you are at that point, stop. Question yourself. Can your marriage problems be fixed? If not...deal with that first. Do not cross that line of fidelity. Either work it out, or leave but cheating only makes things more difficult and makes it harder whether you stay or go.

We are Soul Mates

2009-01-07T20:33:00.000-08:00

~W~

I wondered tonight how clear I have made it in this blog that I am madly in love with my husband? Well, I am madly, truly and desperately in love. I fell in love with him soon after we began dating. The love started as a tiny seed, but it was there. It grew and grew until it was not just a flower but a flower garden.

So what happened? Well, in the beginning we dated. We saw each other literally every single day. I was 17, weeks shy of 18 when we started dating. We were inseparable. We made our friends sick with our love talk. We didn't so much as have one argument for the first year we were together. It seems crazy to think that now.

We married when I was 19 years old. He was a couple of years older. I was so happy but young and naive. I do not regret marrying him but I definitely am not going to suggest to my daughters to marry so young. I think one of my biggest regrets was to neglect my dreams of finishing college and instead marrying young. I haven't forsaken my dreams though. I went back and will be finishing up within the next couple of years to be an RN.

Back to our story. Things got a little strained after we had kids. I was pregnant before our one year anniversary. We were ecstatic and still I have no regrets but I am 100% mommy. I put a lot of love and attention into my kids. It's how I am made. I really can't help it. In the process sometimes my husband gets neglected. He always seems to understand. It's really only that bad while they are babies. I am able to detach myself more as they get older. Still, it separated us to a degree. I was focusing more on kids, he spent more time on the computer or something.

Still we were good. Those are minor, normal details to me. It really was after he went on the road. He stayed on a particular trip for months returning only on the weekends. When he went back he stayed 4 weeks. That is when the affair occurred. I ask how he could do it. I ask how he could forget it all. How could he not think of the day I walked up that isle and the nervous smile on his face. I remember how we looked at each other. I think of OUR song. I think of all the hardships and good things we've been through. I think of what a good man he always was. I remember how he held me up during trials in my life. He is my rock. Him betraying me like this seems as possible as my heart deciding it didn't like it in here and jumping out of my chest. It just seems not real. I know sadly though that it is indeed real.

But, I love him. I know him. I know this man and I think sometimes better than he knows himself. I don't think everything is so black and white as I used to. Life isn't so perfect as I was once led to believe. It's just not. Each day brings new trials or joys or both. Nothing is guaranteed. Life is what you make of it. You make your own decisions and you pay for it, whether good or bad. I know we'll beat the odds because I see his shame, remorse, regret. He can barely look me in the eyes. He knows he betrayed me and God...and for those few people who say monogamy isn't natural well it only takes a betrayal like this to know it is indeed what was intended. Maybe animals aren't monogamous for the most part...but they lack the brains, thoughts, emotions that we as humans have. It would not hurt this much, physically, and emotionally if monogamy weren't natural. It's like a disease. It's like a cancer eating at you slowly. No, it's natural and what we are supposed to do. If it's done right, you'll be happy. Don't make this mistake. If you are thinking about it, remember what it will do to the one who loves you. I can't begin to explain it. I never knew how deep the pain could be.

I always sensed while the affair was going on that something was wrong. I knew for years something had happened. I just knew. I felt it. I know this man is my soul mate. I have no doubt and I believe that is why it hurts like this because a part of me has been destroyed. Now we will spend as much time as it takes repairing that, one day at a time.

The Short and not so Sweet of it!

2009-01-06T16:38:00.000-08:00

~H~

I felt it appropriate to comment after my wife's post. I think she pretty much said it all. The pain that she deals with is the cause for 90% of mine. Seeing what I have put her through is killing me. Then to think that it is my fault, is almost to much to bear. I love my wife so incredibly much. Every time I see her thinking to herself (and I can tell) I feel like I might as well be stabbing her in the heart. Knowing that her pain is caused by me makes me feel no different than a murderer.

I guess this would be some advice again for anyone in my position. Think about what your actions will do to the one you love. Would you cause physical harm on your spouse? If not, then be sure to not inflict mental harm on them either. As I watch her get upset and begin to see how she is feeling, I want to bury my head in the ground. The sorrow and shame of it all will cause you more pain than I know I ever wanted to bring on myself. That is just what I did too. I stabbed her and then I stabbed myself (figuratively speaking).

So, is this something that time can repair? Would she be better off without me? Am I being selfish by begging her to stay with me when she might get over it sooner if she left me? These are the questions I ask myself everyday. Don't get me wrong, it would kill me if she left. I honestly do not know how I would get through it without her. I can no longer be selfish. She stays with me because she wants to. Not because she has to. The decision is hers and I thank God everyday that he allows me one more minute with her. Enjoy the time you have with the one you love. Cherish every minute and bask in the memories you have created. There is nothing in the world that could ever make this pain worth it. I would take it from her 10 fold if I could. Instead I must just be strong for her. I must support her and help her in anyway I can. I thank her for giving Us the chance to get through this, together.

That Aching in the Pit of My Stomach

2009-01-06T14:47:00.000-08:00

~W~

I hate it. I am so sick of the ache. The physically ill feeling. I love my husband more than my own life. I love my family. I cherish it. I have had it for a long time. It is all I know. And another woman has known my husband. It is so hard. I cannot even begin to explain what I feel. I have been through so much in my life. I mean, this is a private blog so I'll just say it. As a child, my parents were abusive. My uncle molested me. My home burned to the ground. I lost a baby to miscarriage....I got a very serious illness and almost died....and now this. It's really almost too much to bear. I don't understand sometimes why I must keep getting hurt. Especially by the one who was supposed to keep me safe. The fear, the uncertainty...the hope that there are not more lies. I would rather live a life alone then to hear one more lie. I'd rather lose it all, then to be lied to again. I cannot bear it. I think honesty and trust are the number ONE focus in any relationship. If you are confronted, confess. Do not continue to lie. I was made a fool of I think. I didn't want to be that woman. The only thing I have is knowing the pain, shame and guilt I know my husband feels. I want him to feel it. I want him to know the pain I feel. I want to get past this and forgive some day. I just need to know how.

Normal Thoughts and Emotions

2009-01-04T18:02:00.000-08:00

~W~

There really is no guide book to getting past something like this. I can't begin to explain the wide range of emotions you feel. One moment I feel sad and betrayed like you cannot imagine. I feel like someone died and then others I am so mad I literally imagine breaking out all the windows in my house and run screaming down the street. I want to scream inside. I want to just understand why and how someone could do this. I don't get it. I repeatedly say I do not get it. I do not understand how someone can forget everything they've tried so hard to build. I don't understand how someone can throw it all away in an instant for physical gratification.

I love my husband beyond compare and I want to trust and have faith again. I long to build our relationship into a relationship that is stronger and more equal than ever before but it's not easy. What we have going for us is that we are both wanting to try. I never thought this would be me. I feared it as much as the next man or woman I think...but I always thought "we" were different. I may have even looked down at those that went through it. I know that pride comes before a fall...so I do regret any pride I had. On the other hand shouldn't we be proud of our marriage? Our love? What's so wrong with it? I guess I have very conflicting thoughts and emotions and it's very overwhelming at times.

We talk a lot. We hug and kiss a lot and really just try to get everything out there in the open. The marriage counseling helps and also proves to me how hard my husband is trying. So each day I hope we move closer and closer to putting this behind us. It won't ever be forgotten I do not think and that makes me sad but I do believe it won't be at the front of my mind someday. I long for that day.

Scared and Confused

2009-01-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

~H~

Last night was interesting. It was the first time in a while that my wife and I just couldn't seem to get close. She was having a really difficult time dealing with everything that has gone wrong in our marriage. It was no longer focused on the here and now, but the past. She was mad at herself for not being stronger towards me. She never was. She was mad at me for always holding her back. I think I unintentionally did. She always backed down and I kept her from doing a lot of things that she should have been allowed to do. I realize that is the truth, but I don't know why I didn't see it then. Why does it take such a major catastrophe for us to see the smaller issues we have always had. Now I called the issues smaller, but they are definitely not less important. They seem smaller because of what we are going through now, but maybe they have something to do with why we are here now. I do know that my wife was always good to me.

Don't get me wrong. We were happy and had a lot of good times. We lived our lives from day to day not thinking about individual needs but only the needs of the family. I do think putting the family before the needs of myself is a good and important thing. The problem is that I neglected the needs of my wife as an individual in the meantime. My wife always let me do pretty much anything I wanted to. I did not return the favor to her. Any individual things she wanted to do, she had to do by herself if at all. I didn't go to her family or high school reunions with her. She went alone even though she didn't want to. I was always just to busy to think that maybe, just maybe, she wanted me there because she was proud to be my wife. I feel like such a fool.

Things are better today. We have been able to talk about some of these things and I do understand her. Probably better now than I ever did or would have. I have realized that when you love someone so much, that you start taking them for granted. That you start over looking their needs and everything that they do for you. I vow to never let that happen again. To never let myself get so comfortable in my marriage that I can't see the whole reason we got married in the first place. Because I love her with all of my heart. She truly is my Soulmate.

How it All Began

2009-01-02T10:25:00.000-08:00

~W~

I met my husband when I was about oh 14 or 15. I didn't really meet him, but rather saw him walking down the halls in my high school. Yes we went to high school together. I had P.E. with him. I will never forget roller skating in the gym. He'd come up behind me and tickle me. I loved it. It was great flirting...nothing more.

I started to develop a tiny crush on him. He was on a list of boys that I felt were potentials. haha Then one day in band (I'm a flutist) my good friend came in and sat down by me. She informed me that she was going to prom with him. So that was it. I am not that kind of girl so I scratched him off the list of potentials immediately.

They had a relationship for quite some time. Things went on, boyfriends came and went and my now hubby graduated from high school. I still had two years left. My junior year I got enough courage to ask him to a dance. My friend and him had broken up so I decided to just do it. I asked him. He said yes and we had an awesome time. He took too long to call me back though. If I can give you men out there any advice? Don't wait two weeks to call a girl back! lol I ended up starting to date someone new. I stayed with him for a few months and finally after we broke up I got a call around Christmas time from the now hubby. That was 1993 and guess what? We have been together since. You couldn't separate us. We spent every waking moment together.

The first time he kissed me was not on our first date. He kissed me so gently, so perfectly. I was on cloud nine. I felt like I was floating off into space. It was just perfect. The first time he said he loved me was also special. He looked at me and stared into my eyes and asked "What would you say if I told you I love you?" And I replied "I'd say I love you too."

That was it. In two years we were married. I was the happiest bride you ever saw. I was madly and deeply in love with this man. He was my life...my heart, my soul, my everything. I felt bonded to him like we were always together. Maybe it was just something God put together, fate, something. I just knew it was right. We were inseparable.

There were hard times and good times. I won't lie. Nothing is 100% perfect. We had our arguments. We had our difference in opinion...but over all we tend to agree on things. Our political views have always lined up. Our family values have always been the same.

My first daughter was born when I was 21. My husband held my hand while I screamed in pain and told me I was his hero. It gave me the strength to go on and I have loved him more and more for it. He was there for them all and a miscarriage too. We went through a lot of joy and grief together. He was with me through major illness and there with me when I got better. Just always by my side, always strong.

In the midst of it all, we agreed for him to take the opportunity to travel for work. It would be just a short time so he could move up in the company. We would make more money. Our family would be better off.

No sooner did he go on the road then he changed. He was short with me, mad about the slightest things. I know what I do wrong. I admit my faults but they don't deserve such anger and I had no idea how to respond to it. I became defensive. Our conversations turned into nothing but arguing and not the love and the "I miss you" we used to have. These were red flags but I was naive and always thought it was just a fight. Just an argument. We'll work it out.

Well it wasn't that simple and here we are now. I love him more than my own life. He IS my life. He is part of me and losing him is like a part of me dying. I could absolutely go on without him if I had to. Sometimes for your own sanity you DO have to let someone go that you love. In my situation I have faith and trust that we'll be stronger and better though by working together. I know he loves me. I see the fear in his eyes. My trust won't build back up over night but hopefully over time I can see him just as I used to see him, a good respectable man and father.

The New Year

2009-01-01T19:37:00.000-08:00

~H~

We had a very good time last night for New Years. Kissing my wife at the stroke of midnight felt really special. I will say that the thought that I almost threw it all away did enter my mind. There were moments that were very difficult for me and I could see in my wife's eyes, that she had some bad thoughts also. I will honestly say that is the worst part for me. Knowing that the woman I love so much has a justified reason for thinking terrible thoughts about me is difficult to handle. If I had one wish, it would be that I could take the pain away from her. Hopefully that will come with time.

My wife looked incredibly beautiful last night. Not that she doesn't always look beautiful, but she had a glow about her. I think she was actually happy for a little while, and was able to temporarily forget about the past and be content in the here and now. I like it when that happens even if just for a little while. We still talked about what happened a little during the evening but we held together strong throughout the night.

Well, the new year is here and I am looking forward to it. I hope my wife and I are able to strengthen our relationship this year beyond belief. We have more counseling coming up which I plan on continuing throughout the year. I feel it does both my wife and myself good to be able to talk about our feelings with an outside party. I will say that it is hard for me due to the shame of it all. I do deserve the shame I feel since I brought it on myself. I just hope that as time goes on, I can make it up to her. She deserves better, and I think I am up to the challenge of making her happy for the rest of her life!

New Year's Eve Celebrations

2008-12-31T10:13:00.000-08:00

~W~

Tonight I'll be going out with my husband to celebrate New Years. I think it's a great time to make resolutions and start a new beginning. This year is no exception. I'll be thinking of a resolution. Maybe I'll post it here. I wonder what everyone else's resolutions will be this year? Post yours if you feel like it. Just comment back with YOUR resolution. Give me some suggestions as well. :) I don't need to lose weight. haha If anything people tell me to gain. So...it can't be weight loss. It could have something to do with my marriage perhaps. I am not sure yet though. So post yours. Give me ideas. Thanks!

Shopping at the Mall

2008-12-30T17:32:00.000-08:00

~W~

It needs to be stated that our whole life does not revolve around this situation. We do have a very normal life raising our children and keeping a happy home. We went to the mall and browsed around tonight. I got a cute headband to wear tomorrow night for New Year's Eve. I am very anxious to go out and have a good time.

The hubby and I are so much more attentive to one another these days. Someone would suspect we were a new couple rather than one married for many years with a few children. haha Today has been a good day. I am more madly in love with my husband today than ever. I am without any doubt he feels the same. We have our next marriage counseling appointment on the 8th of January. I am actually looking forward to it. I think it helps a lot.

In a marriage when something like this happens you really do examine everything and I have realized things had not been perfect between us for some time. There is never any excuse or justification for an affair but I can now be more aware of things that might cause problems or lead to something like this happening.

Anyway, I see we aren't getting comments. Please feel free. We are actually anxious to get outside opinions, thoughts on what we are writing. Say what you feel and maybe we'll address it in a new post. Don't be afraid of this topic. We aren't anymore. It's something right out there in the open so if you want to ask, please do!

The End of the Year Draws Near

2008-12-30T09:40:00.001-08:00

~H~

Well, the year is almost over. My Wife and I are going to go out for New Years tomorrow. This will be only the second time in all the time that we have been married that we have gone "out" on New Years. We have always tried to spend New Years with our children and family. This year we decided to celebrate it as a couple. I am looking forward to being able to spend some one on one time with her. I can't wait for that Midnight, Happy New Years kiss.

2009 will definitely signify a change in our lives. The year for our marriage to be repaired. I hope with all my heart that with time, and counseling we will be able to put this horrible past way behind us. I love my wife more than anyone could ever understand. How I was able to do what I have done... well,...I can't even answer that one myself. My wife wants to know how I fell out of love with her. The truth, is that I didn't. I have always loved her. Even during that time in my life I loved her. Somehow I was able to put my entire past life to the back of my mind. This is an ability that I wish I did not have. I feel guilt, and shame for what I have done and I have been dealing with that for years.

If I could give advice to anyone out there it would be this. Think about your actions and the future of them. Do not live in the here and now. Think about the day you got married. How beautiful your bride looked coming down that aisle. The smile on her face. The first time you made love to her. The birth of your children and the pain she endured. The times you were sick and how she cared for you. The way your children worship their mother and the guidance they look for in her. The way she makes you feel when she kisses you. If you can think of these things and still be unfaithful, then there might just be some problems in your marriage that need addressed now. A counselor is a great way to express what you are feeling. They do not judge, they just listen. Believe it or not, that really helps. Don't be afraid to seek out help before it is to late. My wife is an incredible woman who is giving me a second chance. Not all women would be this way. If there is something bothering you in your marriage than talk it out. Don't keep it inside. If your partner is not receptive to talking it out, then get help from a counselor or church. You would be surprised at how much other people are willing to help without judging you. Most of all, show each other daily how much you love each other. Don't get into lazy routines. Make every day exciting. I know I will from now on because there may not be a tomorrow.

Keeping the Love Alive

2008-12-29T10:26:00.000-08:00

~W~

My husband and I write this blog as a way to heal. It's our diary of sorts. He can say what he needs to say. I can say what I want to say. He might even get a deeper look into my thoughts. It is sometimes easier for me to write what I mean instead of saying it out loud. I think he has the same advantage. I like reading what he writes. We had this idea as another way to repair whatever went wrong between us. The hardest part about all of this is we HAD gotten better. He got off the road and for the past two years our relationship and love has just been amazing. Then I found out for sure about what had happened and to me it feels like it JUST happened.

It is hard adjusting to these new horrible thoughts and yet loving your husband unconditionally at the same time. I think obviously there were issues not dealt with in our marriage, and at the top of the list was him traveling way too much. He got used to life without me and our children. He got used to it and I think felt like a bachelor. I got used to living alone and when he came home it seemed though he was telling me what I did wrong without him. To him it seemed like I no longer needed him. Both of us were just assuming and it caused fights. It set us down a very dangerous path. Both of us know that if we had a do over he'd stay home. He would have never traveled. I think it's dangerous. At least not for weeks at a time like he did. It's hard for any marriage to stand up to it. Even if there is no affair the relationship itself suffers.

I want to keep our love alive forever. It's going to take time to recover from this but I want our relationship to be stronger and more full than ever before. I think I myself got sort of cozy in my marriage. I feared nothing and just went through the motions. I don't take anything for granted anymore. I have learned and he has learned his own lessons. I know that divorce is pretty much a very common thing these days. It would be so easy for me to do the same. Staying here is HARD. I cannot express how hard it is. My love for him keeps me here and my hope that he will now be the best husband in the world. Rules have changed for him for the time being and honestly he is OK with it. Hopefully some day we will not look back on this with such sorrow but as the day we realized our marriage needed some work and the time we got stronger and fell more in love than ever before.

Finding True Love

2008-12-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

~W~

So I am sure many who have read our blog are confused. Maybe you are curious. What I need to state right off the bat is the affair was four years ago. It was a short term thing. I had suspicions pretty much immediately. I read a lot of things online about signs and what to watch for. I tried to deny it to myself. I love this man. I love him with every ounce of my being. It's always been us. We have been together so long. I always trusted him up to this point. Suddenly that trust felt broken and I had no real reason why other than feelings.

It didn't take long before I started finding true evidence that was always quickly explained away. I was always comforted and hugged. He rarely ever showed any temper about my suspicions. Things spiraled out of control. He suddenly went through a major depression over things. He was feeling guilty about not being a good husband. You must understand he was always an amazing husband. Our relationship was so good and we were so close. Then when he started traveling we suddenly started arguing more. Then he would become upset about the smallest things. I always felt like I was defending myself. He did what he wanted and I stayed home. There were plenty of signs.

When he went through his depression he was on the road. He called me a lot. He wrote me poems and sent them to me. He professed his love to me so much and I wasn't sure how to take it all. I know now why he was depressed.

My husband was the guy everyone wanted to be. He would help anyone who needed it. He was the good Samaritan. The man with the family and the stable home. Then he left. Things changed. I regret making the decision to allow him to travel. It was to be just a short time but they kept him out there longer. He was lonely but I scream to myself it wasn't my fault! I wanted him here. I missed him, needed him.

There is nothing I can do to change anything and honestly nothing has been easy. It's been very hard and the feelings I have and the millions of different emotions I experience in a day are so overwhelming sometimes I just cry and cry to let it out. Then I will feel better for awhile. The thing is he changed a long time ago. I only just had my suspicions confirmed about it recently so it feels fresh, like it just happened. It didn't. Our relationship has improved and we were doing so amazing then it came out. Don't hold onto the secrets if you are confronted. It can destroy what you work so hard for. It wasn't easy. I am going through all of this on a day by day basis. I can't say how things will go but I know one thing for sure. This man is my soul mate. He is the love of my life. I am betrayed and destroyed by what he did. I can see the love in his eyes for me. I know I see repentance as well.

He suggested marriage counseling himself and we are going now. He confessed it all in tears to our therapist. So we are working on it. I think despite all the other horrible things we have ONE major strength. Our love. It is undying. I cannot stop loving him anymore than I can stop being human. So we work on it. We will get past it all somehow, some day. Until then we take it one step at a time.

The Dark Truth

2008-12-27T17:57:00.000-08:00

~H~

Well, I know we kind of started this blog sounding all happy and perfect. If you read about why we started it, you might be kind of curious. I do not plan on going through a lot of details but I hope that someone out there will learn from what we write and not make the same mistakes.

My wife and I have been married a long time. I love her very much which is why this is very difficult for me to talk about. I was a "Traveling Husband", and yes before you can say anything that is scary. I was traveling for work and was not spending a lot of time at home. I took this position with my company in hopes to advance my career and improve my families lifestyle. WAKE UP CALL, traveling is never a good thing. I missed a lot of my families activities and my children's growing up. My traveling did not start off too bad. As the months progressed it got real bad. I ended up having an affair on my wife. I have been keeping it secret, living with the guilt and disgust for many years. My wife had always had suspicions, but I kept lying to her to make it go away. Recently someone decided to send my wife a message confirming the affair. I could not lie any more, so I told her everything! She was leaving me. I have never been the type of person to beg, but I was on my face instantly. Begging her to stay and talk with me. By the grace of God she did. We have been working threw this terrible thing and I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. My wife is one of the strongest women I know, and she proves it more everyday.

Now for those of you out there who think she is a fool for staying with me, I don't blame you. If the roles were reversed I only hope that I could be as strong as her. As for anyone who is in my position, I feel your pain. For anyone out there who spends a lot of time away from there family, STOP! It is not worth it. My wife is my Soulmate and I almost through that away. It is rare in today's world to find that perfect match for you. I have found mine, and betrayed her at the same time. As I post on this blog I will tell some minor details and what kind of signs to look for. It is my prayer that I might be able to prevent just one person from making the same mistakes I have. Not just in this situation, but in my marriage and in life.

Random Thoughts

2008-12-27T15:26:00.000-08:00

~W~

For future reference, the reason we put H and W on the posts is simply so you know who is writing. This is me, the wife. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. New Year's Eve is upon us and my birthday is soon approaching as well. I am ready to be out with my husband and have a great time. We have been through much in the past few years. Our love has been put to the test and I believe we have prevailed. I know I love him more today than I did even the day I married him. I was given great advice by some elderly women at my bridal shower, 13 years ago. I was told to never go to bed mad. I think that applies to not just bed. Don't leave for work mad. Don't leave it that way. It's so dangerous. Honestly if I can give any advice it would be to sit down, admit your OWN wrongs, instead of focusing on the spouse's wrongs. Let your spouse say what he did wrong in an argument and you should state what you could have done better. It doesn't matter who is right, or wrong. It's about compromise. It's about meeting in the middle. You need to see that you can indeed be wrong. You have to know you are not the only person in a relationship. Love is not enough to hold a relationship together. I am sorry if some do not agree but it is true. Marriage does absolutely need love to stay together but it needs more than that. It takes strength, dedication and commitment to make it work. You have to be willing to compromise and to work things out even if you think you are totally in the right. This must be done from BOTH sides though. And, if you are the one who is wrong you need to be able to step up to the plate and admit it. Humble yourself. Show your spouse how much you love them. Open up and show your true feelings. A little goes a long way.

The Day After Christmas

2008-12-26T18:32:00.000-08:00

H~ Well, it is the day after Christmas, but the shopping is not over yet. My wifes Birthday is coming up and I decided to take her shopping. Now I do not believe in letting her pick out all of her own Birthday presents. Even though she might like to, I always make sure to surprise her with at least a few gifts to unwrap. She always hated having a Birthday so close to Christmas so I always make sure to seperate the two. The whole family went out to eat then shopping. When we left the restaurant we were in traffic and there was a jeep in front of us. The couple in the jeep started kissing. It reminded me of how we were years ago. So, I had to lean over and do the same. I bet other people around were wondering why everyone was kissing at the stop light! We then did some shopping and I took her to get a manicure. I think she had a good time. We are going out again to dinner and a movie later just the two of us, but this was some good family time. I have definitely realized that no matter how much time goes by, I am still completely in Love with my wife. I think that says something for as long as we have been together, especially in today's world of divorce. I can't wait for our Birthday date!

Welcome to Our Blog

2008-12-25T15:52:00.001-08:00

This blog has been created by a husband and wife. Sometimes I the wife will post...and sometimes the husband will post. I'll be "W" and hubby will be "H". We aren't using names on this blog. It's something we have decided to do to help us and to help others. We've experienced many trials in our life. There is one thing we know for sure through it all and that is how much we love each other. We know we are soul mates. We've been married for thirteen years and have children together. We hope that our own experiences, ups and downs might help other marriages and help ours to grow and blossom as well.