Happily Ever After

~H~

Whether it refers to the movie Annie or the new Jay Z song, it is still relevant. Life is never easy. Everyday that goes by while I watch my Wife dealing with this is terrible. They say that life is what you make it. In this case, my Wife's life is what I have made of it. I have taken everything she loved about being alive and crushed it under my foot. I have destroyed her in a way that no other person on the planet could have. This time in our life should be some of the best. Instead, because of me, it is one of the worst times in our lives. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help. I love her so much but there is nothing I can say or do that will take her pain away. A pain that I have caused her. I feel like I could write a book on how terrible this is.

I tell myself on a regular basis that maybe she would be better off without me. That the only reason she didn't leave me is because I begged her to stay. Was that just another selfish act on my part? Am I wrong for wanting her to give me a second chance? Does someone in my position deserve a second chance? I would do anything to make it so that she doesn't hurt over this anymore. I guess I should have thought about that sooner.

One of the things that haunts my wife is the feelings that I had for the other woman. No matter what I say, it will not help the way she feels because she knows that there must have been some sort of feelings for her at the time. I wish I could explain my feelings to myself yet alone my Wife.

I hate the woman I had the affair with. I will refer to her as the "Witch" from here on out. I hate her with every ounce of my being. I was weak and allowed myself to be manipulated by her. The strange thing I guess is that she is so much unlike my wife. My wife is a beautiful, exciting woman with a great body. The Witch is over 6' tall and well over 200lbs. She had an OK personality but was not attractive in the face. I have never been the one to go after larger girls. My wife is rather small and that is how I like them. If anything, this just confirmed to me how much I prefer smaller girls. I did what I did with her and I could not take it back. The relationship continued for a few weeks because I was to much of a coward to call it off. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I didn't consider the fact that I was killing my wife at the same time. Why Why Why!!!! I am so angry at myself. I had no feelings for the Witch. It began as sort of a minor friendship that turned into something terrible. Why did I care so much about hurting her feelings that I was willing to throw my entire life away.

I love my wife. She is so incredibly beautiful. I will watch her when she isn't paying attention and just admire her so much. She is so strong. The past few days have been really hard on her. She has all these questions that have no answers. I want to take away her pain. I can guarantee that there is no person in the world that loves their wife more than I love mine. She is everything I could ever want or desire. When she is happy, she gets this twinkle in her eye and the most beautiful smile. She can melt my heart with a slight glance. I miss her even though she is still here. I just want our closeness back. I want to be able to live our lives the way we should, without this hanging over our heads haunting us. I will just continue to show her how much I love her. She is my life and soul!

~W~

Sometimes it is difficult to find that special quality time together. We do have our own things to do but I think it is very important to set aside time for your spouse. You may not feel like it's a big deal if you are on the computer and he is watching his favorite TV show as long as you are both at home but it is a big deal and you are setting yourself up for disaster. You cannot just coexist with your spouse or partner. You really do have to make time for each other. You need to keep the romance alive. Remember why you love this person in the first place and do not let "life" get in the way. The past couple of nights I didn't get too much time with the hubby. It's not really any one's fault. He was very tired after work last night and fell asleep on the couch. I just let him because I know he's had a hard day but then when I go to sleep I feel totally ripped off. I need close time with my husband. Honestly it helps keep bad thoughts away too. Sometimes it is the only thing that helps. Make time for each other. Never forget why and how you fell in love. Too often people forget that and it IS important. If you can remember what was the attraction to begin with you may not be so willing to just throw it all away.

Marriage Quote for the Day:

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.

Barbara De Angelis
American Expert on Relationship & Love, Author




~W~


Well it's Monday. I spent a wonderful weekend with my hubby. We did some shopping with the kids. I stopped by the salon and got some great stuff for my hair. I get excited about the littlest things. I am longing for spring. The temps are just too cold for me right now. With March just around the corner I am getting so anxious. I have seen snow in April many times but I'm hoping this year is not one of them.

Hubby and I are doing well I think. I think all marriages come with their issues. I don't think you can blindly go through life thinking your relationship will be perfect with no bumps along the way. Most will not be affected by something so serious as infidelity but there are things that can occur in a marriage that you need to work on. Arguing is normal. Perhaps we just need to remind ourselves even in the biggest argument that it is NOT the end of the world. It does not mean divorce. You get through it and once the fight is over you might just be closer than you were before. I have learned that life is full of struggles but each time you overcome one, you get a little bit stronger. My life has been full of struggle. There really is no doubt but I am starting to wonder if perhaps things might not get a little bit easier now. I sure hope so.

~W~



I know the movie Fireproof has a Christian sort of theme. I think this movie can apply to ANYONE having marriage difficulty. Not just Christians. I don't want to offend anyone who believes or does not believe. I just think the whole message it sends is very important. It says basically to give up things that you are loving more than your spouse. Anything that you put BEFORE your spouse is wrong. You should love, honor and cherish them as you vowed on your wedding day. If my husband wants to spend time with me, and I tell him I'd rather hang out with my friends, fine....that would hurt but ok. But what if I did that every time? What if I was always online, chatting it up and never spending time with him? Or what if he was always going out with his friends and not spending time with me? That life leads to divorce. I am telling you, you lose your relationship. It slowly fades away and you start to forget that it was ever there. I think you can take the message from Fireproof as a Christian or not, or even another faith and apply it to your marriage. I loved it. It made me cry...a lot. I love my husband and I do know I was not perfect. I made a whole lot of mistakes and allowed myself to drift away from my husband. I never stopped loving him for one day. Not for one second. I am so ready to spend forever with him.

~W~

My husband talked in his last post about looking forward to warmer weather. He's not kidding. I am so ready for spring I cannot stand it. I love getting out on the motorcycle. I love the wind in my hair. I love just not being able to hear anything (it's a Harley). I can smell spring. I mean it's so close in my mind that I can totally smell it. I want to do so much with my hubby this year. We always loved traveling. I hope to do some this year. We need some good time alone without the children. It's hard, but we do make an effort to do it often. I think date night (nights) is so important to a relationship. I love nothing more than feeling his hand slip into mine...no words needed. I love holding him. We have been just sitting at our laptops today. I get a little sad when I see us just doing our own thing. I know we won't always be wrapped in each others arms, but honestly I would not be complaining if we were. I think my answer will be to go grab him when I get done with this post, plant a big one on his lips and lay with him while we watch a movie. Yes...that sounds good to me.