Happily Ever After

~W~

Well I do believe I am past the shock phase finally. I still stop and think I can't believe something like this happened to us. We were always so perfect. I mean we had our problems and troubles, ups and downs like everyone. I try not to dwell on things. I have a choice here. I am making a choice to work on my marriage. I love my husband and I do believe he won't make this mistake again. If I doubted it for ONE second I would not give any second chances. So I am feeling a bit better today anyway. I haven't been as angry. I think I have felt more blank lately. Numb. No words. I am not sure what is worse! Anyway today seems like a potentially good day. I am going to shower up and have a cup of coffee!

~W~


We haven't been talking about it as much the past few days. I sometimes feel like I should be because of course it goes back to "letting him off the hook." But whatever. He knows I don't. He knows and understands exactly how I feel. I am depriving myself of true happiness and joy by dwelling on things that will only always come up with the same awful answer. I can't change it. I can improve my marriage and love that man until the day I die and that is what I choose to do.

~W~

Tonight my husband and I decided to run to the store kinda late. Well, truth be told we only got back about a half an hour ago. It's 11:41 p.m. We get kinda crazy these days. It's more spontaneous like we used to be. Both of us always enjoyed just jumping up at the spur of the moment and doing just what we felt like doing. We also agree we just love the driving together. I love nothing more than getting into a car and holding his hand looking at the scenery pass by. I could drive from one end of the country to the next with him.

The past few days have definitely been better. I have been working at trying to not let myself dwell on things. I think awful thoughts...details and what not that put my mind in a place that will not allow me to heal. I am hurting myself I think just as much as my relationship. I mean will my thoughts change anything? Can it magically fix anything or make it go away? No. So I accept that I know what happened and spare MYSELF the details. NOT HIM. I guess I fear letting him off the hook or somehow making him think I accept it, or am somehow OK with what happened. I fear that because no matter how much times passes, or how many days or weeks go by without me mentioning it, I have never accepted or forgotten it. Forgiveness is different. I believe that whole heartily and I do think one day that will come. Anyway I think it would be wonderful if I could ever get comments from someone who has been there. You can comment anonymously on this blog. I understand the whole subject matter here is very sensitive but what I want people to see is an honest couple working through the most difficult thing a marriage can go through and doing just that...instead of resorting to divorce. Not that it hasn't crossed my mind because many times I have felt like giving up. Not because of a lack of love or needing to leave but because it is so difficult to get through this. I remember though why I am here in the first place. I am madly in love....and I want it to work. I believe it can...and it will.

~H~

My wife and I recently went to a Holiday Party for my work. These parties are always pretty formal, so it is a chance for the Wife and I to dress up. My Wife wore a beautiful evening gown that she looked absolutely stunning in. She has always known how to do it up right. This party is pretty large but I swear there wasn't a guy there that didn't notice her. Even the women went out of their way to tell her how beautiful she looked.

My wife and I have always joked around about things like this. I have always told her that I like going to places like this so that I can show off my arm candy. This party was no exception. We had a pretty good time. We had a few drinks, dinner and then some entertainment. It was a very nice evening.

I have always found my wife to be incredibly beautiful. I can't believe I almost threw it all away over someone who isn't even a tenth what she is. My Wife will ask me questions as to how could I want someone else. Wasn't she enough for me. The truth is that she has always been enough for me. I was weak and selfish and completely out of my mind. I do not know why I was able to do the things I have done. I think about them now and they disgust me. I am sorry that I am putting my wife through this pain and these kinds of thoughts. I can not believe that I almost lost my "Arm Candy".

~W~

Yeah. I said cheeseburgers. We're eating them for supper tonight. I love them and well, they are smelling up my kitchen. Things seem really for the most part normal until my husband and I are alone talking. Sometimes the way we look at each other. There are so many reminders out there on the Internet. Shoot I guess this site has become one of them. We want to put this out there though to show there is hope. I guess I am hoping beyond hope our marriage will be better and stronger forever. Not because of this but because we were made aware of the things we needed to improve. If it weren't for things that made me know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much he loves me and how shamed and remorseful he is, maybe I couldn't be here today. We always seemed so on the same page about divorce too. I felt people just rush into it too quickly. Believe me the thought has crossed my mind. It's just not what makes me happy. I want it to work. I believe this was a huge error in judgement. Temporary stupidity. Does it leave me less hurt? Betrayed? No. I feel these things 24 hours a day. I don't want to sound like I am making excuses either. There are none. There is not one good excuse to do this. I however do believe in trying. So I am trying.

Now, I am going to go have a delicious cheeseburger with my family. Then, I am picking out a movie and snuggling up on the couch with my husband. :)

~W~

Everything is so serious on this blog but I need to point out things are not always like this. Really for the most part our relationship feels stronger than it ever has been. I go through a wide range of emotions from deep hurt, to anger, to fear. In the end though we are cuddling, hugging, kissing and just appreciating each other more than ever. I finally feel like I am an equal in this relationship if not more so. I love my husband and I have no doubt he loves me too. You would think in this situation I would doubt it. I may have at that time but not now. Right now, we are going to do our nightly ritual which is to cuddle up on the couch very close and watch a romantic movie. It's my favorite time of day!!!

~H~

Well this weekend definitely went to fast. It wasn't a terrible weekend, but it could have been better. My wife has been having a real tough time dealing with the past and future. She is afraid that I wasn't faithful before this. No matter what I tell her, she still has doubts about whether this was the first time or not. I tell her that it was the first and only time, and she wants to believe me, but it is hard for her. Unfortunately, I can not blame her for not trusting me. I brought it on myself. She is also worried that I will do it again in the future. I understand this fear too. Nothing I can say will comfort her. She can not trust anything I say because I have betrayed that trust before. This kills me because I know she is justified.

My wife has been reading about affairs on the Internet allot. This bothers me because I know that nothing she reads is going to make her feel better. Let's face it, who is going to talk good about an affair. I tell her that I think her reading this stuff is making it harder for us to get through it. She feels she has to search for answers. I just hope that it is not in the wrong spots. I know that we have a long way to go. I will be by her side through all of it. I only hope that it gets easier for her and that someday she will be able to forgive me and get through this. I know that we will never get over it. I just want to get through it so that all of our memories are positive and happy ones. My wife is the most special thing in my life and I owe her any support I can. I am sorry!