Happily Ever After

~W~

I wondered tonight how clear I have made it in this blog that I am madly in love with my husband? Well, I am madly, truly and desperately in love. I fell in love with him soon after we began dating. The love started as a tiny seed, but it was there. It grew and grew until it was not just a flower but a flower garden.

So what happened? Well, in the beginning we dated. We saw each other literally every single day. I was 17, weeks shy of 18 when we started dating. We were inseparable. We made our friends sick with our love talk. We didn't so much as have one argument for the first year we were together. It seems crazy to think that now.

We married when I was 19 years old. He was a couple of years older. I was so happy but young and naive. I do not regret marrying him but I definitely am not going to suggest to my daughters to marry so young. I think one of my biggest regrets was to neglect my dreams of finishing college and instead marrying young. I haven't forsaken my dreams though. I went back and will be finishing up within the next couple of years to be an RN.

Back to our story. Things got a little strained after we had kids. I was pregnant before our one year anniversary. We were ecstatic and still I have no regrets but I am 100% mommy. I put a lot of love and attention into my kids. It's how I am made. I really can't help it. In the process sometimes my husband gets neglected. He always seems to understand. It's really only that bad while they are babies. I am able to detach myself more as they get older. Still, it separated us to a degree. I was focusing more on kids, he spent more time on the computer or something.

Still we were good. Those are minor, normal details to me. It really was after he went on the road. He stayed on a particular trip for months returning only on the weekends. When he went back he stayed 4 weeks. That is when the affair occurred. I ask how he could do it. I ask how he could forget it all. How could he not think of the day I walked up that isle and the nervous smile on his face. I remember how we looked at each other. I think of OUR song. I think of all the hardships and good things we've been through. I think of what a good man he always was. I remember how he held me up during trials in my life. He is my rock. Him betraying me like this seems as possible as my heart deciding it didn't like it in here and jumping out of my chest. It just seems not real. I know sadly though that it is indeed real.

But, I love him. I know him. I know this man and I think sometimes better than he knows himself. I don't think everything is so black and white as I used to. Life isn't so perfect as I was once led to believe. It's just not. Each day brings new trials or joys or both. Nothing is guaranteed. Life is what you make of it. You make your own decisions and you pay for it, whether good or bad. I know we'll beat the odds because I see his shame, remorse, regret. He can barely look me in the eyes. He knows he betrayed me and God...and for those few people who say monogamy isn't natural well it only takes a betrayal like this to know it is indeed what was intended. Maybe animals aren't monogamous for the most part...but they lack the brains, thoughts, emotions that we as humans have. It would not hurt this much, physically, and emotionally if monogamy weren't natural. It's like a disease. It's like a cancer eating at you slowly. No, it's natural and what we are supposed to do. If it's done right, you'll be happy. Don't make this mistake. If you are thinking about it, remember what it will do to the one who loves you. I can't begin to explain it. I never knew how deep the pain could be.

I always sensed while the affair was going on that something was wrong. I knew for years something had happened. I just knew. I felt it. I know this man is my soul mate. I have no doubt and I believe that is why it hurts like this because a part of me has been destroyed. Now we will spend as much time as it takes repairing that, one day at a time.