Happily Ever After

~H~

Whether it refers to the movie Annie or the new Jay Z song, it is still relevant. Life is never easy. Everyday that goes by while I watch my Wife dealing with this is terrible. They say that life is what you make it. In this case, my Wife's life is what I have made of it. I have taken everything she loved about being alive and crushed it under my foot. I have destroyed her in a way that no other person on the planet could have. This time in our life should be some of the best. Instead, because of me, it is one of the worst times in our lives. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help. I love her so much but there is nothing I can say or do that will take her pain away. A pain that I have caused her. I feel like I could write a book on how terrible this is.

I tell myself on a regular basis that maybe she would be better off without me. That the only reason she didn't leave me is because I begged her to stay. Was that just another selfish act on my part? Am I wrong for wanting her to give me a second chance? Does someone in my position deserve a second chance? I would do anything to make it so that she doesn't hurt over this anymore. I guess I should have thought about that sooner.

One of the things that haunts my wife is the feelings that I had for the other woman. No matter what I say, it will not help the way she feels because she knows that there must have been some sort of feelings for her at the time. I wish I could explain my feelings to myself yet alone my Wife.

I hate the woman I had the affair with. I will refer to her as the "Witch" from here on out. I hate her with every ounce of my being. I was weak and allowed myself to be manipulated by her. The strange thing I guess is that she is so much unlike my wife. My wife is a beautiful, exciting woman with a great body. The Witch is over 6' tall and well over 200lbs. She had an OK personality but was not attractive in the face. I have never been the one to go after larger girls. My wife is rather small and that is how I like them. If anything, this just confirmed to me how much I prefer smaller girls. I did what I did with her and I could not take it back. The relationship continued for a few weeks because I was to much of a coward to call it off. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I didn't consider the fact that I was killing my wife at the same time. Why Why Why!!!! I am so angry at myself. I had no feelings for the Witch. It began as sort of a minor friendship that turned into something terrible. Why did I care so much about hurting her feelings that I was willing to throw my entire life away.

I love my wife. She is so incredibly beautiful. I will watch her when she isn't paying attention and just admire her so much. She is so strong. The past few days have been really hard on her. She has all these questions that have no answers. I want to take away her pain. I can guarantee that there is no person in the world that loves their wife more than I love mine. She is everything I could ever want or desire. When she is happy, she gets this twinkle in her eye and the most beautiful smile. She can melt my heart with a slight glance. I miss her even though she is still here. I just want our closeness back. I want to be able to live our lives the way we should, without this hanging over our heads haunting us. I will just continue to show her how much I love her. She is my life and soul!

~H~

I thought it was a good time to just say something to my wife. To start off, I am sorry. I know that I have said it before, but I can never say it enough. The love I feel for you makes me even more sorry every day. You have been a good wife to me and an all around good woman. You are an excellent mother and definitely do not deserve any of this pain I have put you through. Some people say that there must have been something missing in my life in order to do what I have done. The answer to that is simple. The only thing missing was you. I left you to travel and you weren't there. We talked all of the time at first and then I became to busy for you. You continued to try and I pushed you away. So the fact that you were missing from my life is my own fault. It was my decision to travel and I am the one who pushed you away. In the end, you were the one who was punished for it. Once again, I am sorry.

I love you! I always have with all of my heart. We talk about how you think that I couldn't have loved you back then. The truth is that I always did love you. I might have tried to tell myself that I didn't, but that is not true. I have always loved you and felt love from you. We have had our arguments, disagreements and plain out fights. None of which have ever made me love you less. Even in the worst of times, my love for you has always been there.

No matter what anyone says, the facts remain the same. I love you honey and I am sorry for ever hurting you. You deserve the best life has to offer and I thank you for allowing me to spend my life with you. I have taken you for granted in the past, but I swear it will never happen again. I know this blog was for us to talk about our situation. I just wanted to use this to say how much I appreciate you. Sometimes the written word can be stronger than the spoken word. You are my girl. One day this blog will end. It will be ironic to see it end " and they lived Happily Ever After."