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The Shock has Worn Off


Well I do believe I am past the shock phase finally. I still stop and think I can't believe something like this happened to us. We were always so perfect. I mean we had our problems and troubles, ups and downs like everyone. I try not to dwell on things. I have a choice here. I am making a choice to work on my marriage. I love my husband and I do believe he won't make this mistake again. If I doubted it for ONE second I would not give any second chances. So I am feeling a bit better today anyway. I haven't been as angry. I think I have felt more blank lately. Numb. No words. I am not sure what is worse! Anyway today seems like a potentially good day. I am going to shower up and have a cup of coffee!

Just a Short Note


We haven't been talking about it as much the past few days. I sometimes feel like I should be because of course it goes back to "letting him off the hook." But whatever. He knows I don't. He knows and understands exactly how I feel. I am depriving myself of true happiness and joy by dwelling on things that will only always come up with the same awful answer. I can't change it. I can improve my marriage and love that man until the day I die and that is what I choose to do.

The Simple Things


Tonight my husband and I decided to run to the store kinda late. Well, truth be told we only got back about a half an hour ago. It's 11:41 p.m. We get kinda crazy these days. It's more spontaneous like we used to be. Both of us always enjoyed just jumping up at the spur of the moment and doing just what we felt like doing. We also agree we just love the driving together. I love nothing more than getting into a car and holding his hand looking at the scenery pass by. I could drive from one end of the country to the next with him.

The past few days have definitely been better. I have been working at trying to not let myself dwell on things. I think awful thoughts...details and what not that put my mind in a place that will not allow me to heal. I am hurting myself I think just as much as my relationship. I mean will my thoughts change anything? Can it magically fix anything or make it go away? No. So I accept that I know what happened and spare MYSELF the details. NOT HIM. I guess I fear letting him off the hook or somehow making him think I accept it, or am somehow OK with what happened. I fear that because no matter how much times passes, or how many days or weeks go by without me mentioning it, I have never accepted or forgotten it. Forgiveness is different. I believe that whole heartily and I do think one day that will come. Anyway I think it would be wonderful if I could ever get comments from someone who has been there. You can comment anonymously on this blog. I understand the whole subject matter here is very sensitive but what I want people to see is an honest couple working through the most difficult thing a marriage can go through and doing just that...instead of resorting to divorce. Not that it hasn't crossed my mind because many times I have felt like giving up. Not because of a lack of love or needing to leave but because it is so difficult to get through this. I remember though why I am here in the first place. I am madly in love....and I want it to work. I believe it can...and it will.

Arm Candy


My wife and I recently went to a Holiday Party for my work. These parties are always pretty formal, so it is a chance for the Wife and I to dress up. My Wife wore a beautiful evening gown that she looked absolutely stunning in. She has always known how to do it up right. This party is pretty large but I swear there wasn't a guy there that didn't notice her. Even the women went out of their way to tell her how beautiful she looked.

My wife and I have always joked around about things like this. I have always told her that I like going to places like this so that I can show off my arm candy. This party was no exception. We had a pretty good time. We had a few drinks, dinner and then some entertainment. It was a very nice evening.

I have always found my wife to be incredibly beautiful. I can't believe I almost threw it all away over someone who isn't even a tenth what she is. My Wife will ask me questions as to how could I want someone else. Wasn't she enough for me. The truth is that she has always been enough for me. I was weak and selfish and completely out of my mind. I do not know why I was able to do the things I have done. I think about them now and they disgust me. I am sorry that I am putting my wife through this pain and these kinds of thoughts. I can not believe that I almost lost my "Arm Candy".



Yeah. I said cheeseburgers. We're eating them for supper tonight. I love them and well, they are smelling up my kitchen. Things seem really for the most part normal until my husband and I are alone talking. Sometimes the way we look at each other. There are so many reminders out there on the Internet. Shoot I guess this site has become one of them. We want to put this out there though to show there is hope. I guess I am hoping beyond hope our marriage will be better and stronger forever. Not because of this but because we were made aware of the things we needed to improve. If it weren't for things that made me know beyond a shadow of a doubt how much he loves me and how shamed and remorseful he is, maybe I couldn't be here today. We always seemed so on the same page about divorce too. I felt people just rush into it too quickly. Believe me the thought has crossed my mind. It's just not what makes me happy. I want it to work. I believe this was a huge error in judgement. Temporary stupidity. Does it leave me less hurt? Betrayed? No. I feel these things 24 hours a day. I don't want to sound like I am making excuses either. There are none. There is not one good excuse to do this. I however do believe in trying. So I am trying.

Now, I am going to go have a delicious cheeseburger with my family. Then, I am picking out a movie and snuggling up on the couch with my husband. :)

Cuddle Time


Everything is so serious on this blog but I need to point out things are not always like this. Really for the most part our relationship feels stronger than it ever has been. I go through a wide range of emotions from deep hurt, to anger, to fear. In the end though we are cuddling, hugging, kissing and just appreciating each other more than ever. I finally feel like I am an equal in this relationship if not more so. I love my husband and I have no doubt he loves me too. You would think in this situation I would doubt it. I may have at that time but not now. Right now, we are going to do our nightly ritual which is to cuddle up on the couch very close and watch a romantic movie. It's my favorite time of day!!!

Feels Like a Short Weekend


Well this weekend definitely went to fast. It wasn't a terrible weekend, but it could have been better. My wife has been having a real tough time dealing with the past and future. She is afraid that I wasn't faithful before this. No matter what I tell her, she still has doubts about whether this was the first time or not. I tell her that it was the first and only time, and she wants to believe me, but it is hard for her. Unfortunately, I can not blame her for not trusting me. I brought it on myself. She is also worried that I will do it again in the future. I understand this fear too. Nothing I can say will comfort her. She can not trust anything I say because I have betrayed that trust before. This kills me because I know she is justified.

My wife has been reading about affairs on the Internet allot. This bothers me because I know that nothing she reads is going to make her feel better. Let's face it, who is going to talk good about an affair. I tell her that I think her reading this stuff is making it harder for us to get through it. She feels she has to search for answers. I just hope that it is not in the wrong spots. I know that we have a long way to go. I will be by her side through all of it. I only hope that it gets easier for her and that someday she will be able to forgive me and get through this. I know that we will never get over it. I just want to get through it so that all of our memories are positive and happy ones. My wife is the most special thing in my life and I owe her any support I can. I am sorry!

Hardest Part


I think one of the hardest parts of this whole thing is how it makes me think back and wonder and doubt our relationship as a whole...or least huge chunks of it. My husband gets defensive and of course that makes me more angry. I love my husband and I really hate thinking about what things led up to the affair or the feelings of blaming myself or wondering what I did wrong, or how I didn't measure up.

Thinking I did nothing doesn't help either. Then I realize I could do nothing to stop it. There was nothing I could have done, no matter of perfection I could have achieved. It would have still happened. For it to be *just sex* also enrages me. I guess I feel that is something we as married people should just know is not an option. Not only that but shouldn't we resist even if we have that temptation? Why would we not? It's so confusing and hard to put into words. Once you cross this line there is no turning back. It's hard to fix and there is a lot of hurt, tears, depression and anger left in your wake. So before you cross that line you need to think twice and realize maybe what you have is worth honoring and respecting. Nothing is so bad that you need to cheat. If you are at that point, stop. Question yourself. Can your marriage problems be fixed? If with that first. Do not cross that line of fidelity. Either work it out, or leave but cheating only makes things more difficult and makes it harder whether you stay or go.

We are Soul Mates


I wondered tonight how clear I have made it in this blog that I am madly in love with my husband? Well, I am madly, truly and desperately in love. I fell in love with him soon after we began dating. The love started as a tiny seed, but it was there. It grew and grew until it was not just a flower but a flower garden.

So what happened? Well, in the beginning we dated. We saw each other literally every single day. I was 17, weeks shy of 18 when we started dating. We were inseparable. We made our friends sick with our love talk. We didn't so much as have one argument for the first year we were together. It seems crazy to think that now.

We married when I was 19 years old. He was a couple of years older. I was so happy but young and naive. I do not regret marrying him but I definitely am not going to suggest to my daughters to marry so young. I think one of my biggest regrets was to neglect my dreams of finishing college and instead marrying young. I haven't forsaken my dreams though. I went back and will be finishing up within the next couple of years to be an RN.

Back to our story. Things got a little strained after we had kids. I was pregnant before our one year anniversary. We were ecstatic and still I have no regrets but I am 100% mommy. I put a lot of love and attention into my kids. It's how I am made. I really can't help it. In the process sometimes my husband gets neglected. He always seems to understand. It's really only that bad while they are babies. I am able to detach myself more as they get older. Still, it separated us to a degree. I was focusing more on kids, he spent more time on the computer or something.

Still we were good. Those are minor, normal details to me. It really was after he went on the road. He stayed on a particular trip for months returning only on the weekends. When he went back he stayed 4 weeks. That is when the affair occurred. I ask how he could do it. I ask how he could forget it all. How could he not think of the day I walked up that isle and the nervous smile on his face. I remember how we looked at each other. I think of OUR song. I think of all the hardships and good things we've been through. I think of what a good man he always was. I remember how he held me up during trials in my life. He is my rock. Him betraying me like this seems as possible as my heart deciding it didn't like it in here and jumping out of my chest. It just seems not real. I know sadly though that it is indeed real.

But, I love him. I know him. I know this man and I think sometimes better than he knows himself. I don't think everything is so black and white as I used to. Life isn't so perfect as I was once led to believe. It's just not. Each day brings new trials or joys or both. Nothing is guaranteed. Life is what you make of it. You make your own decisions and you pay for it, whether good or bad. I know we'll beat the odds because I see his shame, remorse, regret. He can barely look me in the eyes. He knows he betrayed me and God...and for those few people who say monogamy isn't natural well it only takes a betrayal like this to know it is indeed what was intended. Maybe animals aren't monogamous for the most part...but they lack the brains, thoughts, emotions that we as humans have. It would not hurt this much, physically, and emotionally if monogamy weren't natural. It's like a disease. It's like a cancer eating at you slowly. No, it's natural and what we are supposed to do. If it's done right, you'll be happy. Don't make this mistake. If you are thinking about it, remember what it will do to the one who loves you. I can't begin to explain it. I never knew how deep the pain could be.

I always sensed while the affair was going on that something was wrong. I knew for years something had happened. I just knew. I felt it. I know this man is my soul mate. I have no doubt and I believe that is why it hurts like this because a part of me has been destroyed. Now we will spend as much time as it takes repairing that, one day at a time.

The Short and not so Sweet of it!


I felt it appropriate to comment after my wife's post. I think she pretty much said it all. The pain that she deals with is the cause for 90% of mine. Seeing what I have put her through is killing me. Then to think that it is my fault, is almost to much to bear. I love my wife so incredibly much. Every time I see her thinking to herself (and I can tell) I feel like I might as well be stabbing her in the heart. Knowing that her pain is caused by me makes me feel no different than a murderer.

I guess this would be some advice again for anyone in my position. Think about what your actions will do to the one you love. Would you cause physical harm on your spouse? If not, then be sure to not inflict mental harm on them either. As I watch her get upset and begin to see how she is feeling, I want to bury my head in the ground. The sorrow and shame of it all will cause you more pain than I know I ever wanted to bring on myself. That is just what I did too. I stabbed her and then I stabbed myself (figuratively speaking).

So, is this something that time can repair? Would she be better off without me? Am I being selfish by begging her to stay with me when she might get over it sooner if she left me? These are the questions I ask myself everyday. Don't get me wrong, it would kill me if she left. I honestly do not know how I would get through it without her. I can no longer be selfish. She stays with me because she wants to. Not because she has to. The decision is hers and I thank God everyday that he allows me one more minute with her. Enjoy the time you have with the one you love. Cherish every minute and bask in the memories you have created. There is nothing in the world that could ever make this pain worth it. I would take it from her 10 fold if I could. Instead I must just be strong for her. I must support her and help her in anyway I can. I thank her for giving Us the chance to get through this, together.

I hate it. I am so sick of the ache. The physically ill feeling. I love my husband more than my own life. I love my family. I cherish it. I have had it for a long time. It is all I know. And another woman has known my husband. It is so hard. I cannot even begin to explain what I feel. I have been through so much in my life. I mean, this is a private blog so I'll just say it. As a child, my parents were abusive. My uncle molested me. My home burned to the ground. I lost a baby to miscarriage....I got a very serious illness and almost died....and now this. It's really almost too much to bear. I don't understand sometimes why I must keep getting hurt. Especially by the one who was supposed to keep me safe. The fear, the uncertainty...the hope that there are not more lies. I would rather live a life alone then to hear one more lie. I'd rather lose it all, then to be lied to again. I cannot bear it. I think honesty and trust are the number ONE focus in any relationship. If you are confronted, confess. Do not continue to lie. I was made a fool of I think. I didn't want to be that woman. The only thing I have is knowing the pain, shame and guilt I know my husband feels. I want him to feel it. I want him to know the pain I feel. I want to get past this and forgive some day. I just need to know how.

Normal Thoughts and Emotions


There really is no guide book to getting past something like this. I can't begin to explain the wide range of emotions you feel. One moment I feel sad and betrayed like you cannot imagine. I feel like someone died and then others I am so mad I literally imagine breaking out all the windows in my house and run screaming down the street. I want to scream inside. I want to just understand why and how someone could do this. I don't get it. I repeatedly say I do not get it. I do not understand how someone can forget everything they've tried so hard to build. I don't understand how someone can throw it all away in an instant for physical gratification.

I love my husband beyond compare and I want to trust and have faith again. I long to build our relationship into a relationship that is stronger and more equal than ever before but it's not easy. What we have going for us is that we are both wanting to try. I never thought this would be me. I feared it as much as the next man or woman I think...but I always thought "we" were different. I may have even looked down at those that went through it. I know that pride comes before a I do regret any pride I had. On the other hand shouldn't we be proud of our marriage? Our love? What's so wrong with it? I guess I have very conflicting thoughts and emotions and it's very overwhelming at times.

We talk a lot. We hug and kiss a lot and really just try to get everything out there in the open. The marriage counseling helps and also proves to me how hard my husband is trying. So each day I hope we move closer and closer to putting this behind us. It won't ever be forgotten I do not think and that makes me sad but I do believe it won't be at the front of my mind someday. I long for that day.

Scared and Confused


Last night was interesting. It was the first time in a while that my wife and I just couldn't seem to get close. She was having a really difficult time dealing with everything that has gone wrong in our marriage. It was no longer focused on the here and now, but the past. She was mad at herself for not being stronger towards me. She never was. She was mad at me for always holding her back. I think I unintentionally did. She always backed down and I kept her from doing a lot of things that she should have been allowed to do. I realize that is the truth, but I don't know why I didn't see it then. Why does it take such a major catastrophe for us to see the smaller issues we have always had. Now I called the issues smaller, but they are definitely not less important. They seem smaller because of what we are going through now, but maybe they have something to do with why we are here now. I do know that my wife was always good to me.

Don't get me wrong. We were happy and had a lot of good times. We lived our lives from day to day not thinking about individual needs but only the needs of the family. I do think putting the family before the needs of myself is a good and important thing. The problem is that I neglected the needs of my wife as an individual in the meantime. My wife always let me do pretty much anything I wanted to. I did not return the favor to her. Any individual things she wanted to do, she had to do by herself if at all. I didn't go to her family or high school reunions with her. She went alone even though she didn't want to. I was always just to busy to think that maybe, just maybe, she wanted me there because she was proud to be my wife. I feel like such a fool.

Things are better today. We have been able to talk about some of these things and I do understand her. Probably better now than I ever did or would have. I have realized that when you love someone so much, that you start taking them for granted. That you start over looking their needs and everything that they do for you. I vow to never let that happen again. To never let myself get so comfortable in my marriage that I can't see the whole reason we got married in the first place. Because I love her with all of my heart. She truly is my Soulmate.

How it All Began


I met my husband when I was about oh 14 or 15. I didn't really meet him, but rather saw him walking down the halls in my high school. Yes we went to high school together. I had P.E. with him. I will never forget roller skating in the gym. He'd come up behind me and tickle me. I loved it. It was great flirting...nothing more.

I started to develop a tiny crush on him. He was on a list of boys that I felt were potentials. haha Then one day in band (I'm a flutist) my good friend came in and sat down by me. She informed me that she was going to prom with him. So that was it. I am not that kind of girl so I scratched him off the list of potentials immediately.

They had a relationship for quite some time. Things went on, boyfriends came and went and my now hubby graduated from high school. I still had two years left. My junior year I got enough courage to ask him to a dance. My friend and him had broken up so I decided to just do it. I asked him. He said yes and we had an awesome time. He took too long to call me back though. If I can give you men out there any advice? Don't wait two weeks to call a girl back! lol I ended up starting to date someone new. I stayed with him for a few months and finally after we broke up I got a call around Christmas time from the now hubby. That was 1993 and guess what? We have been together since. You couldn't separate us. We spent every waking moment together.

The first time he kissed me was not on our first date. He kissed me so gently, so perfectly. I was on cloud nine. I felt like I was floating off into space. It was just perfect. The first time he said he loved me was also special. He looked at me and stared into my eyes and asked "What would you say if I told you I love you?" And I replied "I'd say I love you too."

That was it. In two years we were married. I was the happiest bride you ever saw. I was madly and deeply in love with this man. He was my heart, my soul, my everything. I felt bonded to him like we were always together. Maybe it was just something God put together, fate, something. I just knew it was right. We were inseparable.

There were hard times and good times. I won't lie. Nothing is 100% perfect. We had our arguments. We had our difference in opinion...but over all we tend to agree on things. Our political views have always lined up. Our family values have always been the same.

My first daughter was born when I was 21. My husband held my hand while I screamed in pain and told me I was his hero. It gave me the strength to go on and I have loved him more and more for it. He was there for them all and a miscarriage too. We went through a lot of joy and grief together. He was with me through major illness and there with me when I got better. Just always by my side, always strong.

In the midst of it all, we agreed for him to take the opportunity to travel for work. It would be just a short time so he could move up in the company. We would make more money. Our family would be better off.

No sooner did he go on the road then he changed. He was short with me, mad about the slightest things. I know what I do wrong. I admit my faults but they don't deserve such anger and I had no idea how to respond to it. I became defensive. Our conversations turned into nothing but arguing and not the love and the "I miss you" we used to have. These were red flags but I was naive and always thought it was just a fight. Just an argument. We'll work it out.

Well it wasn't that simple and here we are now. I love him more than my own life. He IS my life. He is part of me and losing him is like a part of me dying. I could absolutely go on without him if I had to. Sometimes for your own sanity you DO have to let someone go that you love. In my situation I have faith and trust that we'll be stronger and better though by working together. I know he loves me. I see the fear in his eyes. My trust won't build back up over night but hopefully over time I can see him just as I used to see him, a good respectable man and father.

The New Year


We had a very good time last night for New Years. Kissing my wife at the stroke of midnight felt really special. I will say that the thought that I almost threw it all away did enter my mind. There were moments that were very difficult for me and I could see in my wife's eyes, that she had some bad thoughts also. I will honestly say that is the worst part for me. Knowing that the woman I love so much has a justified reason for thinking terrible thoughts about me is difficult to handle. If I had one wish, it would be that I could take the pain away from her. Hopefully that will come with time.

My wife looked incredibly beautiful last night. Not that she doesn't always look beautiful, but she had a glow about her. I think she was actually happy for a little while, and was able to temporarily forget about the past and be content in the here and now. I like it when that happens even if just for a little while. We still talked about what happened a little during the evening but we held together strong throughout the night.

Well, the new year is here and I am looking forward to it. I hope my wife and I are able to strengthen our relationship this year beyond belief. We have more counseling coming up which I plan on continuing throughout the year. I feel it does both my wife and myself good to be able to talk about our feelings with an outside party. I will say that it is hard for me due to the shame of it all. I do deserve the shame I feel since I brought it on myself. I just hope that as time goes on, I can make it up to her. She deserves better, and I think I am up to the challenge of making her happy for the rest of her life!

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