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Scared and Confused


Last night was interesting. It was the first time in a while that my wife and I just couldn't seem to get close. She was having a really difficult time dealing with everything that has gone wrong in our marriage. It was no longer focused on the here and now, but the past. She was mad at herself for not being stronger towards me. She never was. She was mad at me for always holding her back. I think I unintentionally did. She always backed down and I kept her from doing a lot of things that she should have been allowed to do. I realize that is the truth, but I don't know why I didn't see it then. Why does it take such a major catastrophe for us to see the smaller issues we have always had. Now I called the issues smaller, but they are definitely not less important. They seem smaller because of what we are going through now, but maybe they have something to do with why we are here now. I do know that my wife was always good to me.

Don't get me wrong. We were happy and had a lot of good times. We lived our lives from day to day not thinking about individual needs but only the needs of the family. I do think putting the family before the needs of myself is a good and important thing. The problem is that I neglected the needs of my wife as an individual in the meantime. My wife always let me do pretty much anything I wanted to. I did not return the favor to her. Any individual things she wanted to do, she had to do by herself if at all. I didn't go to her family or high school reunions with her. She went alone even though she didn't want to. I was always just to busy to think that maybe, just maybe, she wanted me there because she was proud to be my wife. I feel like such a fool.

Things are better today. We have been able to talk about some of these things and I do understand her. Probably better now than I ever did or would have. I have realized that when you love someone so much, that you start taking them for granted. That you start over looking their needs and everything that they do for you. I vow to never let that happen again. To never let myself get so comfortable in my marriage that I can't see the whole reason we got married in the first place. Because I love her with all of my heart. She truly is my Soulmate.


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