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Consuming Thoughts


~W~


My husband and I are definitely doing better. I am pretty much over the shock though sometimes it will hit me again out of nowhere. I am not as angry as I was, though sometimes I will have a thought that does enrage me. What I hate now is the constant thoughts of her. The other woman. I think about my husband with her literally all day long. I think of how he could do it. I think of how our problems were not that bad yet. I mean they got worse during and after the affair then slowly got better after he began to feel the regret,and remorse over what he did. I knew he changed. I saw him go through a major depression but I couldn't figure out why. By that time I was shutting him out. I held onto a lot of bitterness for how he had treated me during that time. He had changed, become more distant. He didn't care any more about things that I did. Now, we are closer than we have ever been. We are addressing the issues that need to be addressed and really having a relationship. He is a different man entirely and I have grown and become much stronger over the years. Still, I cannot ever stop thinking of them together. I think of how it happened, why he didn't think of me. What made him say yes? Why didn't he say "No, I am married." What flaws did I have that made him just throw caution to the wind? Is my life a waste? Did I put all this time and effort into a marriage where the one person whom I should trust with my life disrespects me in such a way? And what does this woman think of me? I know she had never seen what I looked like until she found me on myspace. Oh yes. She added ME to her myspace before I knew for sure what happened. I had accused her before, but she denied it, years went by then she added me and tried to add my husband!!! So she sees pictures of me and frankly I am not what you'd expect. I am thin, in shape and dress myself up. I am very girly and get hit on all the time. It's really not about my own insecurity. This girl was really tall, much bigger than me. I am so confused by what my husband wants sometimes. It eats me alive. I don't want to live my life feeling like I do not measure up. I don't want to think I am lacking something he secretly desires. I try to be everything to him. I am no prude. I love him and always have. I have my flaws. MANY of them. I am not perfect and have made my fair share of mistakes. Isn't that what marriage is though? Do we not love each other for better or for worse? I mean, what could I do to stop this? And I do not think it was anything special about this girl. I think frankly she was there and put the moves on him. She could have been anyone which really does NOT make me feel better. So...yes I could go on. My thoughts are not good. I am so very stressed and just want to live a peaceful, happy stress free life. I do not think it will ever be possible. This is my marriage. This is it. I love him so much and I so wish this is not something I ever had to deal with in life.

3 comments:

    I can empathize with you. Thank you for sharing with us your experience and your thoughts. We all can learn from it.

     
    On March 3, 2009 at 6:45 PM Anonymous said...

    I know you really don't want to hear but you put all the blame on her and it was not just her he is just as much to blame! They are equal partners in this, he is just as guilty and who is to say he did not pursue her?
    As far as what has she got. Nothing! It is not that you lack anything it is the attention he got from her that made him do it.

     

    Your blog is so touching. I can see from your posts how much you both love each other, and that is the most important thing. I hope you can put this behind you soon and truly live happily. :)

     

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