The Reason
Tuesday, March 3, 2009 by Soul Mates 95
~H~
The truth is that there is no reason for what happened. My Wife has always treated me well. We had an earlier comment which I do appreciate. I would like to respond to it somewhat. It was about my Wife blaming her. My Wife hates her, not blame. I am the one who owed my wife something. I wish I could say that I was drugged and forced to do it. Unfortunately that is not the way real life happens. My Wife wishes that this woman had been a more decent person than to do what she did. She hates the very thought of her, the place she lives and her name. For the rest of our lives those things will haunt us. Still, It comes back around to me. I am the one who wronged her. I am the one who owed her the respect she did not receive. I am the one that betrayed her. Me alone broke the vows that I promised my Wife many years ago. There is nothing that my Wife could ever do that would deserve the punishment that I have bestowed on her.
I think to myself all day every day about what has happened. I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. I have lost the respect and trust of the one person I love more than anything in this world. She is an incredible wife, mother and woman! I wish I had an answer as to the reason this happened. I say that I was just weak. I say that it was because I was traveling for so long. I have even tried to convince myself that we did have marital issues. But, if I sit down and really think about it, I can't say any of those things. I honestly don't know the reason. I did it and I can not take it back. That is the fact. Everything else is just me grasping at straws to look for some sort of way that the person who did this terrible deed was not me. Well, It was and I am ashamed.
Time to change this up. My Wife and I have been doing good. She knows I love her more than anything. She just hates the thoughts of everything that has happened. I came home from work today and there she was. Taking care of the kids and cooking dinner. Not just any dinner either. She made a homemade dish that was just out of this world. We did some things that we needed to do, then got the kids off to bed. We then cuddled up and watched some TV together. I live for these moments and I can't believe that I almost threw them away. If you were to see my Wife and I on the street, you would never guess it was us going through this. We are a happy family living our lives day by day. We have really good times going out shopping or to the movies. When we get home and it is quiet, that is when the thoughts begin. That is when we talk and no matter what I say I can not make her feel better. I wish there was a miracle cure that could make this all easier on her. As for me, I deserve to live with this guilt.
We started this blog as a way to talk about what we are feeling. We also hope that we might be able to help someone out there in our position or thinking about doing the unthinkable. If we have anyone reading this blog that is thinking about having an affair, I am talking to you. It is never worth it. Even if you "Get Away with It", you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. You will be the silent killer to your wife. If your marriage is that bad, then just get divorced before doing anything stupid. Chance are you want to have your cake and eat it too. That is just not the way it works. DON'T DO IT!!!! I beg you! I would give my life to be able to say that when I was tested I passed. Instead I have to look in the mirror everyday at the failure I have become. I have to look at the pain I have caused a good woman who deserved better. Who deserved my respect, honesty and faithfulness. I am lucky. My wife allows me to be with her. She shows me love when I don't deserve it. If that is not lucky than nothing is. I vow to never betray her again. I only hope that someday we can put this behind us and just agree that I was a fool.
For now all I can say is that I will love her forever. She is my soul mate! I have no doubt that I will never mess up again. I count my blessings everyday. God has given me this woman that I have hurt so badly. He has also given her the strength and grace to try and forgive me. For that I am thankful. I love you honey!
The truth is that there is no reason for what happened. My Wife has always treated me well. We had an earlier comment which I do appreciate. I would like to respond to it somewhat. It was about my Wife blaming her. My Wife hates her, not blame. I am the one who owed my wife something. I wish I could say that I was drugged and forced to do it. Unfortunately that is not the way real life happens. My Wife wishes that this woman had been a more decent person than to do what she did. She hates the very thought of her, the place she lives and her name. For the rest of our lives those things will haunt us. Still, It comes back around to me. I am the one who wronged her. I am the one who owed her the respect she did not receive. I am the one that betrayed her. Me alone broke the vows that I promised my Wife many years ago. There is nothing that my Wife could ever do that would deserve the punishment that I have bestowed on her.
I think to myself all day every day about what has happened. I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. I have lost the respect and trust of the one person I love more than anything in this world. She is an incredible wife, mother and woman! I wish I had an answer as to the reason this happened. I say that I was just weak. I say that it was because I was traveling for so long. I have even tried to convince myself that we did have marital issues. But, if I sit down and really think about it, I can't say any of those things. I honestly don't know the reason. I did it and I can not take it back. That is the fact. Everything else is just me grasping at straws to look for some sort of way that the person who did this terrible deed was not me. Well, It was and I am ashamed.
Time to change this up. My Wife and I have been doing good. She knows I love her more than anything. She just hates the thoughts of everything that has happened. I came home from work today and there she was. Taking care of the kids and cooking dinner. Not just any dinner either. She made a homemade dish that was just out of this world. We did some things that we needed to do, then got the kids off to bed. We then cuddled up and watched some TV together. I live for these moments and I can't believe that I almost threw them away. If you were to see my Wife and I on the street, you would never guess it was us going through this. We are a happy family living our lives day by day. We have really good times going out shopping or to the movies. When we get home and it is quiet, that is when the thoughts begin. That is when we talk and no matter what I say I can not make her feel better. I wish there was a miracle cure that could make this all easier on her. As for me, I deserve to live with this guilt.
We started this blog as a way to talk about what we are feeling. We also hope that we might be able to help someone out there in our position or thinking about doing the unthinkable. If we have anyone reading this blog that is thinking about having an affair, I am talking to you. It is never worth it. Even if you "Get Away with It", you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. You will be the silent killer to your wife. If your marriage is that bad, then just get divorced before doing anything stupid. Chance are you want to have your cake and eat it too. That is just not the way it works. DON'T DO IT!!!! I beg you! I would give my life to be able to say that when I was tested I passed. Instead I have to look in the mirror everyday at the failure I have become. I have to look at the pain I have caused a good woman who deserved better. Who deserved my respect, honesty and faithfulness. I am lucky. My wife allows me to be with her. She shows me love when I don't deserve it. If that is not lucky than nothing is. I vow to never betray her again. I only hope that someday we can put this behind us and just agree that I was a fool.
For now all I can say is that I will love her forever. She is my soul mate! I have no doubt that I will never mess up again. I count my blessings everyday. God has given me this woman that I have hurt so badly. He has also given her the strength and grace to try and forgive me. For that I am thankful. I love you honey!
See, this is the sort of thing that worries me about your marriage. (I know, I know, none of my business. But I am rooting for you.) There was a reason, many easons. You both have to be committed to finding out what the reason was. It's not enough to be sorry, and it's not enough to forgive and trust. It will happen again in some form, unless you dig out the root.