My Thoughts on Things
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 by Soul Mates 95
~W~
In answer to a previous comment, no I am not upset that my husband discusses this on a blog. It was mostly my idea for us to use this outlet to help our situation. You see, if I believe in anything it is 100% honesty and just putting yourself out there to have outside opinion and thoughts on a situation. Obviously we have to do this anonymously but since we can't exactly go to family and friends and say "is he right?" "what do we do here?" We use this as a place to communicate with each other. We don't just communicate here obviously but it is a safe place. Sometimes it's easier to say things in the written word than out loud. Where I might take something the wrong way that he says out loud I don't so much when he is typing it out. I also felt it was sort of a way for him to confess it to the world without really having to do so.
We see a counselor but really I do this alone. My husband was always a great man. He was the guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He is a hard worker and has held down two jobs to make ends meet for his family. So you can imagine all of my family and his thinks he is the perfect husband. And he always really was for the most part. He was a dedicated family man. Sometimes it aggravates me because I have no one to talk to. I can talk to him but obviously it's not enough. It's nice to have an outside ear on occasion.
As for not calling the other woman "the witch", well you have to understand it's a symbol only. We do not like to call her by her first name as the sound of it is like a knife stabbing me in the heart. I liked hearing my husband talk of her in a way that wasn't kind. I could care less if he hates her or he doesn't hate her. It's not relevant. The time that he was with her was the one time frame in his life that he lost his damn mind. I have no trouble referring to her this way for many reasons. It could be the fact that I confronted her in 2006 and she ignored me for a month. I finally confronted her again and she denied it all, even calling herself a good person who wouldn't do that because she knows how it feels. I asked her to not contact my husband ever again. I never got a reply but after that there was no contact. I have access to all phone numbers and e-mails so I know this to be true.
Then for some reason this past year I was contacted by her myself. She sent me a friends request on a popular social network. Now...please tell me why she would do this? I have asked her to stay away. I do not know her. I have never met her. I wondered what her motive was so I approved it, waiting for her to say something. She didn't. She just sent my husband a friends request the next day. I realized he doesn't have his name listed on this site so for her to find him she HAD to add me. I was private. I was her only route to him. And she used me to get to him. Four years after he told her he couldn't do it because he needed to work on his relationship she did this. She was getting married. I think she must have wanted him to know she was marrying the guy she had been engaged to while she was having her thing with my husband. Yes...she was engaged. She was living with her fiance. And she did this. So I have no sympathy for her. I have no problem at all hating this woman. I think one day maybe the hate will fade and I'll no longer care. That day has not yet arrived. There is more this woman did. My husband ignored her friends requests. He didn't add her knowing what my suspicions had been all these years. I think he was terrified I would find out because yes he had lied all these years. Then some even more terrible things happened but ultimately I found out in a very very bad way. I can't even begin to explain the distasteful way I was told. I can't go into it here or others might catch on to who I am. So....I leave it at that. I was shown hatred. I was shown no respect as a mother, a wife. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. I have been with this man for 15 years and have known him since I was around 14 years of age. I love him. He did a dumb thing that almost destroyed everything we have worked so hard for all our lives. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't know why he would do it or why she might ever be worth it. I don't know. I really rack my brain trying to figure it out and there are just no answers. I will forgive, forget and move on someday. I am not there yet. You see...I found out a few months ago...but it's not just the affair. It's the years of lying. It's the promising me that nothing had happened. It's the letting me contact her and humiliate myself when he could have just confessed. It's so much more. There is so much more to forgive and to let go of. I do however believe it will happen. I believe that one day we will put this behind us and my husband will begin living that life of the perfect husband or at least trying anyway...since none of us will ever really be perfect. This place is healing for us. This blog is healing for us. We are your normal average family with kids, lots of love and your major issues. Not one family member or friend has a clue what's going on with us. I regularly hear from others how great my husband is and how lucky I am. Well, it's true. I am lucky. I love this man and I love everything about him but this one stupid part of his life. I always did. I always will.
In answer to a previous comment, no I am not upset that my husband discusses this on a blog. It was mostly my idea for us to use this outlet to help our situation. You see, if I believe in anything it is 100% honesty and just putting yourself out there to have outside opinion and thoughts on a situation. Obviously we have to do this anonymously but since we can't exactly go to family and friends and say "is he right?" "what do we do here?" We use this as a place to communicate with each other. We don't just communicate here obviously but it is a safe place. Sometimes it's easier to say things in the written word than out loud. Where I might take something the wrong way that he says out loud I don't so much when he is typing it out. I also felt it was sort of a way for him to confess it to the world without really having to do so.
We see a counselor but really I do this alone. My husband was always a great man. He was the guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He is a hard worker and has held down two jobs to make ends meet for his family. So you can imagine all of my family and his thinks he is the perfect husband. And he always really was for the most part. He was a dedicated family man. Sometimes it aggravates me because I have no one to talk to. I can talk to him but obviously it's not enough. It's nice to have an outside ear on occasion.
As for not calling the other woman "the witch", well you have to understand it's a symbol only. We do not like to call her by her first name as the sound of it is like a knife stabbing me in the heart. I liked hearing my husband talk of her in a way that wasn't kind. I could care less if he hates her or he doesn't hate her. It's not relevant. The time that he was with her was the one time frame in his life that he lost his damn mind. I have no trouble referring to her this way for many reasons. It could be the fact that I confronted her in 2006 and she ignored me for a month. I finally confronted her again and she denied it all, even calling herself a good person who wouldn't do that because she knows how it feels. I asked her to not contact my husband ever again. I never got a reply but after that there was no contact. I have access to all phone numbers and e-mails so I know this to be true.
Then for some reason this past year I was contacted by her myself. She sent me a friends request on a popular social network. Now...please tell me why she would do this? I have asked her to stay away. I do not know her. I have never met her. I wondered what her motive was so I approved it, waiting for her to say something. She didn't. She just sent my husband a friends request the next day. I realized he doesn't have his name listed on this site so for her to find him she HAD to add me. I was private. I was her only route to him. And she used me to get to him. Four years after he told her he couldn't do it because he needed to work on his relationship she did this. She was getting married. I think she must have wanted him to know she was marrying the guy she had been engaged to while she was having her thing with my husband. Yes...she was engaged. She was living with her fiance. And she did this. So I have no sympathy for her. I have no problem at all hating this woman. I think one day maybe the hate will fade and I'll no longer care. That day has not yet arrived. There is more this woman did. My husband ignored her friends requests. He didn't add her knowing what my suspicions had been all these years. I think he was terrified I would find out because yes he had lied all these years. Then some even more terrible things happened but ultimately I found out in a very very bad way. I can't even begin to explain the distasteful way I was told. I can't go into it here or others might catch on to who I am. So....I leave it at that. I was shown hatred. I was shown no respect as a mother, a wife. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. I have been with this man for 15 years and have known him since I was around 14 years of age. I love him. He did a dumb thing that almost destroyed everything we have worked so hard for all our lives. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't know why he would do it or why she might ever be worth it. I don't know. I really rack my brain trying to figure it out and there are just no answers. I will forgive, forget and move on someday. I am not there yet. You see...I found out a few months ago...but it's not just the affair. It's the years of lying. It's the promising me that nothing had happened. It's the letting me contact her and humiliate myself when he could have just confessed. It's so much more. There is so much more to forgive and to let go of. I do however believe it will happen. I believe that one day we will put this behind us and my husband will begin living that life of the perfect husband or at least trying anyway...since none of us will ever really be perfect. This place is healing for us. This blog is healing for us. We are your normal average family with kids, lots of love and your major issues. Not one family member or friend has a clue what's going on with us. I regularly hear from others how great my husband is and how lucky I am. Well, it's true. I am lucky. I love this man and I love everything about him but this one stupid part of his life. I always did. I always will.
The ad at the top of your page covers the entrecard dropbox, so no one can click drop... :(
I commend you. I don't know if I could be as strong as you are.
My first husband cheated. I fought it for three years before deciding to free us all from the awful cycle.
Your situation is different, but here's what i learned: The affair was never about her. She was just a weapon to hurt me with, even when he was trying not ot be discovered. The anger was what we needed to address. We couldn't.
I am very happily merried now to a man much better suited to me, but I now know to treat love as a very fragile flower. We are careful to keep arguments clean (no insults or belittling), and to communicate immediately about any source of tension.
One last thing, which I hope does not offend you: When I was in my first marriage, I felt like divorce was the worst possible thing that could happen. It was not: i am happier now than I have ever been. I should send the other woman flowers, because without her I would not have found this perfect man, this joyous place in my life.
All good wishes in God's good name.