Just a Short Reply to the Anonymous Commenter
Tuesday, March 3, 2009 by Soul Mates 95
~W~
I must make it clear that however much I'd love to put all the blame on her I do not, nor have I ever. I don't think I sounded like I did in my post. I do believe she hit on him. I have to at least trust SOME of what my husband says or I may as well give up today. I think he was foolish, stupid and weak and gave in when she showed him a little attention.
I think you should know I have always admired, respected, looked up to and shown my husband affection. I think all of us get those fluttery feelings when someone hits on us, or makes us feel desired. That much is normal but if we are married we say thanks but no thanks. That's the simple fact of the matter. You are flattered, but the answer is no. You are not free to do that. Simple. Or not? So many people don't say no and the pain is enormous to both parties.
I have confronted the other woman. She ignored me at first, replied denying it all the second time and then tried to come back into our lives after all of that when I kindly asked her to not contact him again due to the situation. I was never rude. I always treated her with respect. I even went so far as to directly tell her I didn't blame her because as far as she knew I didn't exist. I admit it was more of a tactic to get her to tell me the truth. That mattered much more to me than telling her off.
Do I have respect for a woman who would sleep with a married man who has children...a family...a life? No. I have no respect for someone who is willing to contribute to destroying a marriage. But I definitely do not blame just her. No, I blame them both. I blame him more because he made the vows and he should have said no. He didn't and I have to live with that each day. She continued to pursue him after he came home to me. I know this because I saw the messages and saw the friend's request she sent. He was trying to ignore her because I think he finally regretted it and became afraid of getting caught and losing it all. But she knew very well she was involved with a married man and for this she deserves absolutely no pity from me.
I must make it clear that however much I'd love to put all the blame on her I do not, nor have I ever. I don't think I sounded like I did in my post. I do believe she hit on him. I have to at least trust SOME of what my husband says or I may as well give up today. I think he was foolish, stupid and weak and gave in when she showed him a little attention.
I think you should know I have always admired, respected, looked up to and shown my husband affection. I think all of us get those fluttery feelings when someone hits on us, or makes us feel desired. That much is normal but if we are married we say thanks but no thanks. That's the simple fact of the matter. You are flattered, but the answer is no. You are not free to do that. Simple. Or not? So many people don't say no and the pain is enormous to both parties.
I have confronted the other woman. She ignored me at first, replied denying it all the second time and then tried to come back into our lives after all of that when I kindly asked her to not contact him again due to the situation. I was never rude. I always treated her with respect. I even went so far as to directly tell her I didn't blame her because as far as she knew I didn't exist. I admit it was more of a tactic to get her to tell me the truth. That mattered much more to me than telling her off.
Do I have respect for a woman who would sleep with a married man who has children...a family...a life? No. I have no respect for someone who is willing to contribute to destroying a marriage. But I definitely do not blame just her. No, I blame them both. I blame him more because he made the vows and he should have said no. He didn't and I have to live with that each day. She continued to pursue him after he came home to me. I know this because I saw the messages and saw the friend's request she sent. He was trying to ignore her because I think he finally regretted it and became afraid of getting caught and losing it all. But she knew very well she was involved with a married man and for this she deserves absolutely no pity from me.
I can kind of sympathize what you may have gone through. Almost four years ago I went home to be at my dad's side when he was on his death bed. I was away for four months. Knowing that we would be apart for who knows how long, both my husband and I agreed that if either of us felt we needed any "physical" action, not a problem, as long as there were no romantic intentions with the other person. My husband met a young lady through a friend of a friend, a single gal, that was on the lookout for a boyfriend, and knew my husband was married and the cat was away. There were no sexual relations between my husband and this gal, the gal refused stating she would not with a married man. But this did not stop her from falling in love with my husband and continuing phone contact with him or wanting to see us once I came back. She felt it was not a problem to flirt with my husband, even though she knew having a relationship with him was not a possibility. I think it was a game she enjoyed playing, trying to see if she could win over a married man. But in the end was a game she lost. After about six months maximum, I couldn't take it any more, I was literally on the verge of leaving my husband and told him that contact had to be cut with her or else I was gone. My husband has had no contact with her since, even though he feels she did nothing wrong even to this day, over three years later and is still a sore spot in my heart. I knew and know he did not have any feelings for her, but the fact he let it go to his head that he had two women in love with him at the same time was a big ego trip for him.
Sorry that I am posting this as anonymous, but this is the first time I have made any "public" about this situation.
Wow. I just discovered this blog and I have to say that I am impressed on many levels. First, for H I want to tell you that I'm glad that you are trying to be a better person for your wife. She didn't deserve what you did. Coming back home isn't always the solution, but I hope, if you are sincere, that you will honor your marriage this time and not give in to temptation.
To W, please know that hanging in there isn't always the best thing. Don't let yourself be abused (being with a cheater is a form of abuse). Try again if you really feel you should, but if it happens again please get out and find yourself someone who will love and appreciate you for the beautiful person you are. You deserve love and happiness if that's what you give.
Please remember that the other woman isn't the one who did this to you. It is the man you married who did it. This woman took no vows. Your husband did. You don't know what he was telling her or trying to fill her head with. Men say the most untrue things when they aren't in front of their wives. It might make things easier to hate her and blame her. But unless she is a rapist, your husband had to be the one who "got it up" (pun intended).
There are only two kinds of people on this earth - those who would cheat and those who won't. There is no middle ground. Trust is never an issue until its broken, but when its broken...its broken! I hope you can make things work out the way you want them to, however, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to....they work out the way you need them to and sometimes what you want and what you need aren't the same.
I wish all the best for the both of you - whether that means that you work things out or not. Life is too short to be miserable and full of pain. Best wishes!