Happily Ever After

I recently received a comment saying the Entrecard Widget was covered by an ad. In my Firefox browser I could always see the widget so I never thought there was a problem. I changed the ad location and type and moved it so I am hoping this resolves any issues anyone has with dropping their entrecard on this blog. If there are any further problems please leave us a comment and let us know! Thank you to the commenter who brought this to my attention.

~W~


In answer to a previous comment, no I am not upset that my husband discusses this on a blog. It was mostly my idea for us to use this outlet to help our situation. You see, if I believe in anything it is 100% honesty and just putting yourself out there to have outside opinion and thoughts on a situation. Obviously we have to do this anonymously but since we can't exactly go to family and friends and say "is he right?" "what do we do here?" We use this as a place to communicate with each other. We don't just communicate here obviously but it is a safe place. Sometimes it's easier to say things in the written word than out loud. Where I might take something the wrong way that he says out loud I don't so much when he is typing it out. I also felt it was sort of a way for him to confess it to the world without really having to do so.

We see a counselor but really I do this alone. My husband was always a great man. He was the guy who would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He is a hard worker and has held down two jobs to make ends meet for his family. So you can imagine all of my family and his thinks he is the perfect husband. And he always really was for the most part. He was a dedicated family man. Sometimes it aggravates me because I have no one to talk to. I can talk to him but obviously it's not enough. It's nice to have an outside ear on occasion.

As for not calling the other woman "the witch", well you have to understand it's a symbol only. We do not like to call her by her first name as the sound of it is like a knife stabbing me in the heart. I liked hearing my husband talk of her in a way that wasn't kind. I could care less if he hates her or he doesn't hate her. It's not relevant. The time that he was with her was the one time frame in his life that he lost his damn mind. I have no trouble referring to her this way for many reasons. It could be the fact that I confronted her in 2006 and she ignored me for a month. I finally confronted her again and she denied it all, even calling herself a good person who wouldn't do that because she knows how it feels. I asked her to not contact my husband ever again. I never got a reply but after that there was no contact. I have access to all phone numbers and e-mails so I know this to be true.

Then for some reason this past year I was contacted by her myself. She sent me a friends request on a popular social network. Now...please tell me why she would do this? I have asked her to stay away. I do not know her. I have never met her. I wondered what her motive was so I approved it, waiting for her to say something. She didn't. She just sent my husband a friends request the next day. I realized he doesn't have his name listed on this site so for her to find him she HAD to add me. I was private. I was her only route to him. And she used me to get to him. Four years after he told her he couldn't do it because he needed to work on his relationship she did this. She was getting married. I think she must have wanted him to know she was marrying the guy she had been engaged to while she was having her thing with my husband. Yes...she was engaged. She was living with her fiance. And she did this. So I have no sympathy for her. I have no problem at all hating this woman. I think one day maybe the hate will fade and I'll no longer care. That day has not yet arrived. There is more this woman did. My husband ignored her friends requests. He didn't add her knowing what my suspicions had been all these years. I think he was terrified I would find out because yes he had lied all these years. Then some even more terrible things happened but ultimately I found out in a very very bad way. I can't even begin to explain the distasteful way I was told. I can't go into it here or others might catch on to who I am. So....I leave it at that. I was shown hatred. I was shown no respect as a mother, a wife. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. I have been with this man for 15 years and have known him since I was around 14 years of age. I love him. He did a dumb thing that almost destroyed everything we have worked so hard for all our lives. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I don't know why he would do it or why she might ever be worth it. I don't know. I really rack my brain trying to figure it out and there are just no answers. I will forgive, forget and move on someday. I am not there yet. You see...I found out a few months ago...but it's not just the affair. It's the years of lying. It's the promising me that nothing had happened. It's the letting me contact her and humiliate myself when he could have just confessed. It's so much more. There is so much more to forgive and to let go of. I do however believe it will happen. I believe that one day we will put this behind us and my husband will begin living that life of the perfect husband or at least trying anyway...since none of us will ever really be perfect. This place is healing for us. This blog is healing for us. We are your normal average family with kids, lots of love and your major issues. Not one family member or friend has a clue what's going on with us. I regularly hear from others how great my husband is and how lucky I am. Well, it's true. I am lucky. I love this man and I love everything about him but this one stupid part of his life. I always did. I always will.

~H~

I got some really interesting comments from my last post. I do appreciate your comments so please keep them coming. On the other side, I believe that I should explain myself due to the fact that some things were obviously taken out of context.

Ms. Very Stupid - Of course I hate the other woman. Am I supposed to not? I am not blaming her for what happened, you are correct. It is my fault and mine alone! I have taken full blame for everything that has happened from the beginning. OK, what I did was wrong. My issue with her is that after I broke it off with her, she would not let it go. She did terrible things to intentionally hurt my wife years after everything was over. I know there is probably a lot that we have not gone in to detail on. To be honest I really don't feel like going in to a lot of detail on it either. All I will say is this. I made a mistake and tried to repair my relationship. She tried to keep that from happening, and that I blame her for. My wife knows what the "other woman" looks like. So the fact that I say she is not attractive is no surprise to her. I was just making general comments about how I feel. I guarantee anyone else in my position would feel the same way. I will say again, in no way did I mean to come across as blaming her. What happened is my fault.

Laane - Me referring to the "other woman" as the witch is just in place of using her name. I do not like referring to her by name because my Wife can't stand the sight or sound of it. When we talk about it, we always refer to her as something besides her name because we don't want to speak it. I chose "the Witch" just for something to call her. I believe some of what I wrote above should help you understand why I have hatred towards her. I do appreciate the comment about respecting myself. This is something that I do have a problem with. I never thought of myself as someone with a lack of self respect. Maybe I didn't have before everything happened. I guarantee I do now. You said that there are ways to deal with this situation. I would love to hear suggestions. My Wife and I are really trying. I believe that we are doing good, but anything that could help us more would be welcome.

I want to thank both commenter's for what they said. My Wife was afraid that I would be upset. On the contrary, I look for help. I am trying to be a better person for my wife, family and myself. I would never get mad at a comment. I do feel that some of what I said was taken the wrong way. Maybe I didn't state things well enough in my earlier post. Either way, I apologize if I came off as blaming someone else for what I did. I hope you have read some of my earlier posts. I feel that I have always taken the blame on myself. I want to thank both of the individuals who left comments for supporting us in our journey to beat the odds. To show that if a person is truly repentant, that they can make it past this. That they can repair what they have broken, and someday, maybe even be forgiven.

~H~

Whether it refers to the movie Annie or the new Jay Z song, it is still relevant. Life is never easy. Everyday that goes by while I watch my Wife dealing with this is terrible. They say that life is what you make it. In this case, my Wife's life is what I have made of it. I have taken everything she loved about being alive and crushed it under my foot. I have destroyed her in a way that no other person on the planet could have. This time in our life should be some of the best. Instead, because of me, it is one of the worst times in our lives. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help. I love her so much but there is nothing I can say or do that will take her pain away. A pain that I have caused her. I feel like I could write a book on how terrible this is.

I tell myself on a regular basis that maybe she would be better off without me. That the only reason she didn't leave me is because I begged her to stay. Was that just another selfish act on my part? Am I wrong for wanting her to give me a second chance? Does someone in my position deserve a second chance? I would do anything to make it so that she doesn't hurt over this anymore. I guess I should have thought about that sooner.

One of the things that haunts my wife is the feelings that I had for the other woman. No matter what I say, it will not help the way she feels because she knows that there must have been some sort of feelings for her at the time. I wish I could explain my feelings to myself yet alone my Wife.

I hate the woman I had the affair with. I will refer to her as the "Witch" from here on out. I hate her with every ounce of my being. I was weak and allowed myself to be manipulated by her. The strange thing I guess is that she is so much unlike my wife. My wife is a beautiful, exciting woman with a great body. The Witch is over 6' tall and well over 200lbs. She had an OK personality but was not attractive in the face. I have never been the one to go after larger girls. My wife is rather small and that is how I like them. If anything, this just confirmed to me how much I prefer smaller girls. I did what I did with her and I could not take it back. The relationship continued for a few weeks because I was to much of a coward to call it off. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I didn't consider the fact that I was killing my wife at the same time. Why Why Why!!!! I am so angry at myself. I had no feelings for the Witch. It began as sort of a minor friendship that turned into something terrible. Why did I care so much about hurting her feelings that I was willing to throw my entire life away.

I love my wife. She is so incredibly beautiful. I will watch her when she isn't paying attention and just admire her so much. She is so strong. The past few days have been really hard on her. She has all these questions that have no answers. I want to take away her pain. I can guarantee that there is no person in the world that loves their wife more than I love mine. She is everything I could ever want or desire. When she is happy, she gets this twinkle in her eye and the most beautiful smile. She can melt my heart with a slight glance. I miss her even though she is still here. I just want our closeness back. I want to be able to live our lives the way we should, without this hanging over our heads haunting us. I will just continue to show her how much I love her. She is my life and soul!

~W~

Sometimes it is difficult to find that special quality time together. We do have our own things to do but I think it is very important to set aside time for your spouse. You may not feel like it's a big deal if you are on the computer and he is watching his favorite TV show as long as you are both at home but it is a big deal and you are setting yourself up for disaster. You cannot just coexist with your spouse or partner. You really do have to make time for each other. You need to keep the romance alive. Remember why you love this person in the first place and do not let "life" get in the way. The past couple of nights I didn't get too much time with the hubby. It's not really any one's fault. He was very tired after work last night and fell asleep on the couch. I just let him because I know he's had a hard day but then when I go to sleep I feel totally ripped off. I need close time with my husband. Honestly it helps keep bad thoughts away too. Sometimes it is the only thing that helps. Make time for each other. Never forget why and how you fell in love. Too often people forget that and it IS important. If you can remember what was the attraction to begin with you may not be so willing to just throw it all away.

~W~


What is perfect anyway right? I think if we try to make ourselves believe that we need to be perfect that we'll always fall short. I know without a doubt my husband and I will still argue. We did a bit last night. It was nothing major. I said something about the situation and he sounded a bit defensive which let me tell you just turns on an instant switch in my brain that says "How dare he?" Well I come down off that pedestal after awhile and realize it's only human nature to feel defensive. We defend our own actions especially if they are bad. He knows what he did was wrong, for whatever reason it was done. Dwelling on the why of it has just plagued me but I do try to give myself time to just not think about it. I do it for me and no one else. I cannot possibly live thinking of it all day long. It tortures me. It took me awhile to let myself believe it was ok to not think of it for awhile. It's really difficult. I believe we do have a very good relationship. He quickly apologized for being defensive and I admit I was still kind of steamed. I love him more than life though. I know he is very confused by it all as well.

I don't think it's healthy to say you have the perfect relationship because that's when you stop getting better. You have achieved all there is. Well I know for a fact I have so much more to get from my relationship and to give. I have always imagined growing old with this man. I'll love every single wrinkle, as long as I am with him.

~W~

The hubby has been working hard lately. He has had so much going on at work, especially now with all the economic troubles there are. It's really hit him hard and he is so tired and stressed out. I hate that the stress we are going through is only adding to it. He got home tonight and we ate. He then sat on the couch with his laptop. I sat on the couch opposite him. I looked over and there he was, dozing off at his laptop. It's just simple times like this when you see the person you love just sitting there unaware that you are watching them that the love inside of you swells. I do love him so much. I see him tired after a long day of work and I am proud of him for all he has done. I do believe that one wrong deed should not erase a lifetime of good deeds. It feels as though this one thing has done just that. He has always been a good man and this situation has taught him a lesson I think. Now all the little ways he may have ever fallen short he has now made up for. He has seen his faults and helped me to see mine. I really see us getting so much better.

And to think I get all this from watching him sleep.

I hadn't had a chance to post this yet, but was so incredibly happy when I got it. This is such an honor honestly to get this. My husband and I are writing from our heart here, so when it gets noticed, it means a lot. The award comes from Soulful Scribbles. This is the Heart and Soul Award created for extraordinary bloggers who have bared their hearts and souls to give inspiration to others. This means SO much to us. I want to thank Soulful Scribbles for considering our blog for this.

I am supposed to pass this one on to three other blogs, but at this particular time I haven't been around long enough to pick out three blogs that are inspiring to me. So if you do know of another blog that is inspiring to you, please feel free to pass it on. Here are the rules:

If you receive this award, please spread the love!

- Create a post about it, and make sure to include the logo.
- Nominate three blogs that have touched or inspired you, and made an impact in your life.
- Add a link to your nominees’ blogs in your post and inform them about the award.
- Go to http://heartandsoulaward.wordpress.com and leave the URLs of the 3 blogs you have nominated.

~W~

I loved my husband's last post so much I decided to just let it stay at the top for a few days. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my husband is in love with me and more thankful I think for me than he ever has been. I have always known many things about my husband. First and foremost he is a hard worker and he does what it takes to provide for his family. He learned that from his dad I think. It's a quality I have always admired and loved about my husband. He is respectful and kind to pretty much everyone. He is the guy who holds open the door and pulls out your chair. He just is and always has been. He is not the player type of guy that I think many imagine when they think of a situation like we have been through. It's just not him. It never was. I think that was actually in some ways what hurt him because he wasn't used to having someone pretty much throw their self on him.

I have been with him a very long time and when you have been with a person for so long I think you start to wonder if you still have it. You can't help but wonder if others would want to date you or if you are still sexy, attractive and desirable. He has always been to me. I tell him all the time how handsome I think he is and I mean it. I look at his face and see love and just my entire life..right there in his eyes. I see myself growing old with him. I see us being the perfect couple from this day forward. Our relationship was so strong and good before he went on the road. Yes we had our issues as any other couple on the planet does, but even those issues are resolved now. I think we really are stronger than before. I am upset that this thing happened but I am glad we are where we are. Each day just makes us that much stronger I think.

~H~

I thought it was a good time to just say something to my wife. To start off, I am sorry. I know that I have said it before, but I can never say it enough. The love I feel for you makes me even more sorry every day. You have been a good wife to me and an all around good woman. You are an excellent mother and definitely do not deserve any of this pain I have put you through. Some people say that there must have been something missing in my life in order to do what I have done. The answer to that is simple. The only thing missing was you. I left you to travel and you weren't there. We talked all of the time at first and then I became to busy for you. You continued to try and I pushed you away. So the fact that you were missing from my life is my own fault. It was my decision to travel and I am the one who pushed you away. In the end, you were the one who was punished for it. Once again, I am sorry.

I love you! I always have with all of my heart. We talk about how you think that I couldn't have loved you back then. The truth is that I always did love you. I might have tried to tell myself that I didn't, but that is not true. I have always loved you and felt love from you. We have had our arguments, disagreements and plain out fights. None of which have ever made me love you less. Even in the worst of times, my love for you has always been there.

No matter what anyone says, the facts remain the same. I love you honey and I am sorry for ever hurting you. You deserve the best life has to offer and I thank you for allowing me to spend my life with you. I have taken you for granted in the past, but I swear it will never happen again. I know this blog was for us to talk about our situation. I just wanted to use this to say how much I appreciate you. Sometimes the written word can be stronger than the spoken word. You are my girl. One day this blog will end. It will be ironic to see it end " and they lived Happily Ever After."

~W~

Some comments stand out to me and one I received today happens to be one of those. It said something along the lines of if my husbands needs were all being met this would not have happened. I understand that in a relationship if it goes south normally it involves both parties. What you must understand about our relationship is (and if you read back far enough in our blog you'll see) that our relationship was pretty good before he started traveling for work. He became married to his job. He left for several weeks at a time, we never saw each other. I tried and tried to call him and he frequently was too busy for me. I felt neglected and unimportant. I just wanted him home but I could feel him pulling away from me. Our talks on the phone turned into arguing about money or stupid things. I felt constantly defensive because of how I handled things at home. I stayed home with my three children while he traveled. I always tried my best to meet my husbands needs.

Truth be told my needs were not being met. I was lonely. I had no one. I didn't go anywhere or do anything besides stare at the walls and take care of kids. I love my husband dearly but at that time in his life he saw things very one sided. He went out with friends, joined a baseball team, had drinks at bars because he was alone on the road. I couldn't go out because I had to take care of the kids. Literally he did not allow me to go out. He told me no. If I argued it turned into a huge fight..and he still did what he wanted and I still stayed home. I needed my time out but didn't get it. I needed love and affection but did not get it. I wanted my husband more than anything but did not get it. So whose needs were being met?

I am not nor have I ever been perfect. I have a large list of faults as we all do. My biggest fault would be at times in our marriage putting more care into our children then what he got. I tend to fuss over the kids and I know he needs some fussing too. I have addressed the things I did wrong. I have questioned my faults.

It all comes down to one thing in the end. When does our faults ever justify cheating? Is it okay for him to stray when things get a little tough at home? What happened to for better or for worse? I could have cheated too and tried to justify it because I was so alone and neglected but that's just dumb. I made vows and I knew from the start it would be work. I knew it wouldn't be all sunshine and roses. I think it's selfish to think otherwise. I cannot worry every time we argue or he's not feeling happy that he'll cheat. That's not how a marriage works and if it was? Then I'd want no part of it. I would be more content alone rather than putting my heart up on a chopping block.

~H~

I want to thank everyone for all of the comments we have received. Some are supportive and some are neutral. I feel fortunate that none of them have been really negative. I know how many people, especially female, probably have a huge hatred for me. I hope that men feel the same way. What I did was wrong! It is not better because I am a man. My Wife reads the comments and sometimes gets upset. It does give us a chance to sit down and talk about them. The thing is that they are not untrue. I would be willing to bet than in 90% of the cases of infidelity, the person has not truly changed. I know that without a doubt I will never betray my wife again. I can say this with absolutely no doubt in my mind. I have learned from my mistakes. I am a good person who did a terrible thing. I am repentant and I believe my wife can see that in me.

One of the reasons I really wanted us to start this blog was to help others. I want to speak to women out there. If your dealing with the same kinds of issues my Wife and I are then I hope this brings you some comfort. I love my wife with all of my heart. I have hurt her beyond belief. I have seen what it has done to her. I see it on a daily basis. But to look outside of that, I have seen what it has done to me. I have never been a big liar. The act that I did caused me to betray myself and everything I believe in. Our marriage is going to work because I have seen the fault in myself. I know that if I even have the urge to do anything bad, that all I need to do is sit down with my wife and talk to her about it. I am not perfect by any means. To think that I am different than any other man out there would be crazy. I feel that there are men and women out there that can come to a realization that they can not live without their spouse. I hope that realization comes before anything bad ever happens.

Don't feel like a fool for giving your spouse a second chance if you can truly see the remorse in them. It is possible for a person to make a mistake. That does not mean that you should just forgive them and move on. It takes hard work to rebuild that trust. For the person in my position, you need to be more attentive to your spouse than ever. You need to understand their fears and help assure them of the positives. Support them when everything is OK and when they are mad at you for what you have done. They have a right to be mad.

Please don't get me wrong, if they do it to you again, then get out. It is probably not a relationship worth saving. People can change. I have changed for the better. I have been able to go back to the person that I always felt I was. A loving, trusting, supportive, honest person. I am sorry that my wife had to go through this to get the person she has always deserved. That person is here now, and here to stay.

~W~

We have our next marriage counseling session tomorrow. I think I need it right now. I can't let anger outweigh my love for my husband. As long as he has been totally honest with me I know I can forgive him in time. I also know if there were any more lies it would be impossible. I think the hardest part is rebuilding trust. Without trust it is impossible to have a successful marriage. I cannot allow myself to be close to someone whom I cannot believe a word that comes out of their mouth. It will be hard to trust again. I am scared to trust and let go. It's still very fresh for me. I finally have the love and devotion I always dreamed of in a marriage and this thing hanging over our heads is trying to steal it from us. I don't want to let it happen. I know without a doubt I myself will always be faithful and honest with my husband. All I expect in return is that same respect. No more lies. No more creating stories to cover your tracks. Just the truth.

~W~


I must make it clear that however much I'd love to put all the blame on her I do not, nor have I ever. I don't think I sounded like I did in my post. I do believe she hit on him. I have to at least trust SOME of what my husband says or I may as well give up today. I think he was foolish, stupid and weak and gave in when she showed him a little attention.

I think you should know I have always admired, respected, looked up to and shown my husband affection. I think all of us get those fluttery feelings when someone hits on us, or makes us feel desired. That much is normal but if we are married we say thanks but no thanks. That's the simple fact of the matter. You are flattered, but the answer is no. You are not free to do that. Simple. Or not? So many people don't say no and the pain is enormous to both parties.

I have confronted the other woman. She ignored me at first, replied denying it all the second time and then tried to come back into our lives after all of that when I kindly asked her to not contact him again due to the situation. I was never rude. I always treated her with respect. I even went so far as to directly tell her I didn't blame her because as far as she knew I didn't exist. I admit it was more of a tactic to get her to tell me the truth. That mattered much more to me than telling her off.

Do I have respect for a woman who would sleep with a married man who has children...a family...a life? No. I have no respect for someone who is willing to contribute to destroying a marriage. But I definitely do not blame just her. No, I blame them both. I blame him more because he made the vows and he should have said no. He didn't and I have to live with that each day. She continued to pursue him after he came home to me. I know this because I saw the messages and saw the friend's request she sent. He was trying to ignore her because I think he finally regretted it and became afraid of getting caught and losing it all. But she knew very well she was involved with a married man and for this she deserves absolutely no pity from me.

~H~

The truth is that there is no reason for what happened. My Wife has always treated me well. We had an earlier comment which I do appreciate. I would like to respond to it somewhat. It was about my Wife blaming her. My Wife hates her, not blame. I am the one who owed my wife something. I wish I could say that I was drugged and forced to do it. Unfortunately that is not the way real life happens. My Wife wishes that this woman had been a more decent person than to do what she did. She hates the very thought of her, the place she lives and her name. For the rest of our lives those things will haunt us. Still, It comes back around to me. I am the one who wronged her. I am the one who owed her the respect she did not receive. I am the one that betrayed her. Me alone broke the vows that I promised my Wife many years ago. There is nothing that my Wife could ever do that would deserve the punishment that I have bestowed on her.

I think to myself all day every day about what has happened. I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back. I have lost the respect and trust of the one person I love more than anything in this world. She is an incredible wife, mother and woman! I wish I had an answer as to the reason this happened. I say that I was just weak. I say that it was because I was traveling for so long. I have even tried to convince myself that we did have marital issues. But, if I sit down and really think about it, I can't say any of those things. I honestly don't know the reason. I did it and I can not take it back. That is the fact. Everything else is just me grasping at straws to look for some sort of way that the person who did this terrible deed was not me. Well, It was and I am ashamed.

Time to change this up. My Wife and I have been doing good. She knows I love her more than anything. She just hates the thoughts of everything that has happened. I came home from work today and there she was. Taking care of the kids and cooking dinner. Not just any dinner either. She made a homemade dish that was just out of this world. We did some things that we needed to do, then got the kids off to bed. We then cuddled up and watched some TV together. I live for these moments and I can't believe that I almost threw them away. If you were to see my Wife and I on the street, you would never guess it was us going through this. We are a happy family living our lives day by day. We have really good times going out shopping or to the movies. When we get home and it is quiet, that is when the thoughts begin. That is when we talk and no matter what I say I can not make her feel better. I wish there was a miracle cure that could make this all easier on her. As for me, I deserve to live with this guilt.

We started this blog as a way to talk about what we are feeling. We also hope that we might be able to help someone out there in our position or thinking about doing the unthinkable. If we have anyone reading this blog that is thinking about having an affair, I am talking to you. It is never worth it. Even if you "Get Away with It", you will have to live with it for the rest of your life. You will be the silent killer to your wife. If your marriage is that bad, then just get divorced before doing anything stupid. Chance are you want to have your cake and eat it too. That is just not the way it works. DON'T DO IT!!!! I beg you! I would give my life to be able to say that when I was tested I passed. Instead I have to look in the mirror everyday at the failure I have become. I have to look at the pain I have caused a good woman who deserved better. Who deserved my respect, honesty and faithfulness. I am lucky. My wife allows me to be with her. She shows me love when I don't deserve it. If that is not lucky than nothing is. I vow to never betray her again. I only hope that someday we can put this behind us and just agree that I was a fool.

For now all I can say is that I will love her forever. She is my soul mate! I have no doubt that I will never mess up again. I count my blessings everyday. God has given me this woman that I have hurt so badly. He has also given her the strength and grace to try and forgive me. For that I am thankful. I love you honey!